Calm, TOTALLY INSANE, but calm still.

FerryTale – 1

Hello sir’s and ma’s. Today we have the Ogbolo inspired @Janus_Aneni here, doing us great service. This is a never before seen excavation of events pertaining the life of the Little mermaid kids know as Ariel. Do read and share your thoughts.

***

When I was a little kid, one of the first gifts I ever got, (actually stole from my grandfather’s library), was an original edition of the Hans Christian Anderson’s Fairy tales. Seeing the Disney adaptations later, shocked me a bit as they were too different and had such wishy-washy happy endings. So today, with permission from my boss, @Achi_va, and for the benefit of the ignorant, I would paint a picture of the ORIGINAL Little Mermaid story.
Ehen, for the purpose of disambiguation (which is a fancy word for clarity :- less fancy word for understanding) the term ‘mammywater’ would be replaced by ‘mermaid’, ‘mer’, ‘marine’ and other nicer-sounding words. This is uhm..for the uhm..purpose of uhm..appeasement. Ehen..
(¬_¬)…

Story story, once upon a time in a land far away, but still close enough, a land we now call Ogoni land *dodges stone*..there lived a certain mammywata (from hence referred to as mermaid), who was called Ariel.
Yes, ARIEL.
She was so named after a potion which the mammywata people (from here referred to as mer-people I promise!) used to clean their fins and other sea-shell stuff. A few hundred years later, this potion was modified into our popular detergent, but that’s another story.

oh really?

Anyway, Ariel was a happy mammywata spirit. She did all the usual mammywata things; swam up and down, played with fishes and generally did demons (Ignores ‘waka’ from Rita). She was a very young marine spirit, being only 15 years, but she had big dreams. She dreamt of one day being the chief Mammywata (mermaid from now on.forgive me) in all the land! (Or technically, in all the water.) She also dreamt of being rich and powerful, possessing lots of sea-shells (not beach gbagauns.) and ultimately dreamt of being human.
Ariel had a sneaky habit. At night when the marine spirits were usually celebrating, and well doing demons, Ariel would sneak away and go up to the surface to watch for humans. This was a long time ago and travel was mainly by sea, so ships passed through the marine world a lot, and on a good day (or night), Ariel could see 20 sailors!
She would look at them longingly and fantasize about how nice it would be to have legs and an ass and toenails! Oh, how she wanted toenails. She knew her wish would be granted soon. You see, in the marine kingdom, there was a law. It stated that at 16years, a mermaid (finally!) could decide to go up to the human world for a day. She could use the opportunity to do whatever she liked. Entice men, have fun, drink beer. The days when this happened later came to be known as Fridays, and these events were known as Clubs, but that’s a story for another day.
*drinks pure water*

As a real G

Ehen, so just before Ariel’s 16th birthday, an event occured that would change the history of the mammywata kingdom forever.
Ariel was up at the surface as usual, and watching a ship. Suddenly, without warning a storm began. The ship was in the centre of the storm and try as they might, the sailors could do nothing to escape. The storm tore at them mercilessly and from the ship, a man fell.
“Oh boy! See mata,” said Ariel in fish-pidgin. “Persin don fall for wata, make I go see am”
Ariel swam as fast as she could to the man, and when she saw him she nearly drowned! Such was her surprise, for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen.
“He must be an Ishan man,” she murmured in awe.
*dodges bottle*
Ntoi! Ishan pipu are..*dodges tyre*..it’s just..*dodges sardine can*..oya lemme continue.
So, she swam with all her might, bearing the man. Ariel swam as fast as she could towards land. Close to the shore she saw a bamboo building. Swimming towards it, she carried the Prince, for he was a prince, an Ish..*sees bottle..*..a Prince sha. Okay, she carried the prince to the shore and dropped him there. At that moment she heard a shout.
Mmmmm..Jah! Jah! There is a mammywata outside the door..Jah! Holy..”
It was a Cele church.
Swimming away as fast as she could, Ariel abandoned the prince with the Cele pipu. She had heard stories. They usually flogged the mammywata out of mammywatas, and she didn’t want to lose her mammywata just yet. But Ariel never forgot her prince.
So on Friday, Ariel was up early. She was giddy with excitement. She would meet her man today. Her Grandma smiled at her. Grandmama mammywata the 1st, was 1500 years old and she knew the nooks and crannies of the marine world.
“Are you ready for this?” she asked Ariel.
Ariel nodded.
“There is a price associated with beauty my dear,” she said again.
By now, Ariel was nodding faster than an agama lizard on steroids.
Grandma showed her a beautiful bowl with a steaming, brown, sticky liquid.
“Ariel, this potion is called Ogbolo. A drop of this would make you more beautiful than anything human-kind has ever seen. It would also give you the neatest pair of skanky legs and six-inch Jimmy Choo heels.”
Ariel was overjoyed. Grabbing a vial of the Ogbolo, she flapped away for the surface. Grandma shook her head in amusement. She could understand, she had been there before. Sex with a human was said to be the best after all, especially considering that the mermaids only slapped their fins together and called it foreplay.
On the surface, Ariel sat on a rock and opened the vial. Inside lay the precious drop of Ogbolo. She placed it on her tongue, and instantly the world changed.
Scales dropped from her eyes as the coconut shells covering her former tiny breasts, burst open to give a D-cup the folks at 90210 would marvel at. Her fins shriveled and disappeared and long legs sprouted out to taper at properly manicured toe-nails.
“Toenails! Oh my God!” cried Ariel.
Her hair, formerly tangled in seaweed, grew out luxuriant and curly in brown waves of Brazilian majesty. Yes, children, Brazilian. Original. 12 inches.
Suddenly, her centre caved in and began to tremble as between her legs a tunnel formed, moist and furry, and she instantly felt need.
Ariel swallowed.
In that instant, her legs shook and with a puff of cloud, a pair of six-inch Jimmy Choo heels appeared.
“Wow..Ogbolo is the shit!” Ariel marvelled.
And yes children, Ogbolo is, the faeces.
*sips more pure water*
So, Ariel swam for shore, holding her Jimmy Choos above her head. At shore she stole clothing lying on a clothesline and walked to the Cele church where she had last seen her prince. The priestess at the church, while eyeing Ariel very suspiciously, told her that the Ishan man was actually a prince and had gone back to his palace.
Ariel tried hard to see her prince that day, very hard, and just before her time was up, she did. He smiled at her, and at her boobs. But her time was far spent, already the Jimmy Choos had vanished and she began to fear that if she stayed any longer, her fins might re-appear.
The prince held her hand, his eyes fixed firmly on her boobs. “Stay, the party is just starting. What did I do? Don’t you want to Club with me?”
Ariel stared back at him sadly, and in later immortalized words said, “I’m sorry, it’s not you. It’s me.”
She swam slowly that night.
For a long while Ariel was sad. At nights she still swam to the surface, but this time she surfaced near the palace and watched the prince. She watched him singing, she watched him wrestling, she watched him bathing, she watched him while he played with his snake. She missed the prince.
There was no other option.
Ariel went to a witch.
Yes children, I know the story is beginning to sound like a Yoruba film..

LOL.

The old witch, Ursula was a bad witch. She was also a mammywata, but she did demons more than the usual. Way more. Because of her evil, she was banished to a dark part of the marine kingdom. To this place, Ariel swam.
“I know what you want,” cackled the witch. “I will give you a human form, but I shall require something in return.”
“Take anything,” Ariel cried. She was ecstatic.
The witch took her voice. Ariel’s voice which was so far the most wonderful thing in the universe was gone. The witch then gave her a few warnings.
“You must get his heart, O Ariel. You must win his love. If he doesn’t place true love’s kiss upon your lips and instead gives his heart to another, you will pass away and be as foam upon the sea.”
So Ariel returned to the human world. Dumb and beautiful.
What? The story is getting gloomy? Keep listening, reading or whatever.
*opens new satchet of JayZ pure water*
The prince had come of age, and it was time for him to marry. His father wanted him to marry a certain princess, but his heart belonged to another. According to the prince, he would only marry the girl who rescued him.
Ariel, poor girl, for now she was a girl, a dumb girl, could not speak to tell him she was the one. The princess whom his father wanted him to marry on the other hand, was revealed to have been one of the people in the cele church the day he was rescued.
It was a painful day when the Prince married the princess. The mammywatas cried, rain fell heavily baffling all the rain-makers who had been hired for the wedding. As the Prince kissed his bride a cry went up that reached the heavens. Levitating above the crowd, Ariel wept as she disintegrated to bubbles that sparkled in the evening twilight and danced upon the frothy waves.
The prince sighed as his eyes opened in wonder and all, including the princess had tears in their eyes. Then, a light shone from heaven.
For her sacrifices and her love, the children of the light decided to have mercy on Ariel.
“Join us,” they sang. “We sing for children. For every good child, one year is taken off our term, for every bad child, we have another 300 years added to our term. At the end of 300 years we would gain a soul and go onto Heaven.”
So Ariel ascended with the children of the light, and sang with them.
So children, be good. For every bad deed, every callous word, we worsen Ariel’s sentence.
The End.
*sips Heineken..* yeah.that’s the stuff.

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

That was the first post in the FerryTale series, so what do you think?

Mr Aneni scribbles his thoughts at aljanusi.wordpress.com. Do check out his work, I especially like his Jack and Jill post and his Tangled Story. Join us tomorrow for the second installment of the FerryTale franchise. Have a wonderful day.

Arigatou.

CHELSEA FOR LIFE.

37 responses

  1. Tushe

    LooooooooooooL. This guy is mad. I have like. Thousand comments. My Lord andbmy god. So I hold Ariel in my hands when I wash? *caresses fins* no wonder bobs loved playing with himself when washing. *coughs* I never saw him o. I’ll be back.

    November 25, 2012 at 11:11 am

  2. Tushe

    But, err, ogbolo really is the shit. *dunks head in toilet*

    November 25, 2012 at 11:14 am

  3. Ogbolo is pure evil. *sobs*

    November 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

  4. Creative stuff, got me laughing. I enjoyed reading this.

    November 25, 2012 at 11:34 am

  5. Prettie_temmie

    LOOOOOOOL!

    November 25, 2012 at 11:44 am

  6. Loooooool… Couldn’t stop laughin!!

    November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

  7. Folabomi Odunsi

    *Grinning-like-a-love-struck* I luuuuuurrrrve this! Got me laughing. Creative is an under-S.

    November 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

  8. this post is very stupid….LOOOOOL….I love stupid things sha -sigh-

    November 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

  9. jhemie

    Mehn!!!how the heck did u think this up?!! Its HILARIOUS!!! =)) (y)

    November 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

  10. Tandy

    Wow! This is lovely! We cud act it out! Lol

    November 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

  11. omniphysics

    *sips pure water* It was very Nice liked the MammyWata (sorry Mermaids) concept
    God Bless You

    November 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

  12. krayonnn

    Buhahahahahahaha! *rolls past Myspace past Hi5 and falls in blogspot* All those babes wey clean wey dey rock wella na Mammy 😦 Where can I buy JayZ water? 😥 Kre-Ate-Ive sha!

    November 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

  13. adesanya oluwadamilare

    Ferry Tale indeed! Good One! Room for improvement sha! *Thumbs Up*

    November 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

  14. 1 word: HILARIOUS

    November 25, 2012 at 4:12 pm

  15. Zennyharry

    Lmaooo.this dude has certainly lost a lot of marbles.but he’s in good company cos that’s the basic feature of all geniuses.loved it.loved it.funny and tricky.I’d have continued reading even if it was twice this length.a point to the story would have been nice too tho.loool

    November 25, 2012 at 5:18 pm

  16. Nnanna

    Subscribes

    November 25, 2012 at 6:29 pm

  17. mismanagedthoughtz

    LooL!! I like it! Awesome.

    November 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

  18. tomixine

    Wow……..concept……..very funny, & real. I really enjoyed it. D name, d pure water interludes in d rescue part, d yoruba film comparison……touche

    November 26, 2012 at 6:58 am

  19. Michael Mad_son

    LMAOOOOOOOOOO! JayZ purewater Shaa?? Gawd. This story was extremely hilarious. Nice one. Subscribing to his blog this very moment.

    November 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

    • Yaaaaaay! One bowl of Ogbolo for u..

      December 14, 2012 at 11:13 pm

  20. nice one! craayyyy!

    November 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

  21. oyin

    Funny twist of the story interesting tho

    November 26, 2012 at 10:03 pm

  22. thecrazyyouth

    Didn’t get me really laughing but it was worth the read. wonderful!

    November 29, 2012 at 5:35 pm

  23. Olufunmilola Olubajo

    LmaaaOoooo

    December 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

  24. Pingback: FerryTale – 1 | martiiinn's Blog

  25. SYLVIA

    Diz is coool……d guy is creative,,,,,bt stil a lost son. KIP IT UP…….dude

    February 6, 2013 at 8:05 am

    • Hehe..smh4u..thanks tho
      Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

      February 6, 2013 at 10:31 am

  26. Reblogged this on All in this life's journey… and commented:
    I wrote this a while back on http://www.redor.wordpress.com Check out the blog for more of the Ferry tales..

    June 19, 2013 at 6:11 pm

  27. Teleola

    So many things to say but the disclaimer keeps me quiet. I want Ogbolo… So that I too can be creative.

    June 19, 2013 at 7:02 pm

  28. seromeatika

    wow……i sincerely luv this version….lol…..

    June 20, 2013 at 9:56 pm

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