Calm, TOTALLY INSANE, but calm still.

FERRYTALES

FerryTale – 8

Morning folks, it’s the second day in December and here’s my FerryTale entry, the last one in the series – The tale of Pocahontas. Enjoy.

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I just had beans and dodo, listened Sheldon Cooper sing a lullaby and my eyes hurt, so therefore you can infer that I am not in a sane state of mind at the moment and moreover I cannot even see what I’m writing. You cannot sue  for damages done to your mind after reading this; neither can you convince me that Justin Beiber is male, cos all logical evidence proves otherwise. Even if there a million other alternate universes existent, I can bet you that Justin is either female in all of them, male and gay, or hermaphrodite and bisexual. Anyway that’s not why we are here.

We are here today so I can tell you the story of Pocahontas. This story isn’t actually a fairy tale, it actually happened around the 17th century but those Disney people tried to spoil it for us, can you imagine? *kmt. After intending to give us Britney spears, dem still use us catch cruise, na Sango go personally punish all of them.

My story begins with a tall, handsome skinny dude named John Smith *holds laugh* you really believe John smith was what? Blonde, tall and handsome? LWKMD (this does not infact imply under any circumstance that I belong to LWKMD twitter you know, just so we’re clear). Ok so the Disney animators did a pretty good job at deceiving the general populace. This is how they thought he looked:

monkey

Oh crap, I’m so sorry delete….delete….delete. *The delete button farts* *sighs* Na so picture no wan gree delete O, chai. Where’s the American Government when you need them?

Ok now I promise I’ll be good, no more practical jokes, I promise. Now this is how the Disney animators really wanted us to believe John smith looked:

John-Smith-leading-men-of-disney-6158283-300-405

If it were up to me really, I would have made him look like this:

daf6ab74-d9f7-4fc1-ac6f-793a1bd21b0b

According to my extensive research on the issue, this is how he really looked.

FATMAN

*Whew* Here we have it peoples, the truth is bitter; John smith was a short, bald, lazy two timing pedophile who wore puffy pants. Note the emphasis on ‘puffy pants’. He had this thing for little girls, you know little girls just developing personalities, boobs and other not so important stuff like self- esteem. Sadly this was Johnny’s fetish, I’m allowed to call him Johnny right? Of course I’m allowed; it’s my freaking blog.

Johnny was having  fun, with all those girls and stuff, spreading his yoghurt here and there, although most babes preferred to call it milkshake, no one knows why till date. Johnny got away with most of his escapades till he went and donated his yoghurt to his yoghurt (tell me you see what I did there).

Now incest was very much frowned upon and the King couldn’t have one of best soldiers go scot free for such a heinous crime. So they basically tied him up and threw him in jail  till the King could decide what to do with him. The English had spent all their money on rum and weed, in short they were flat broke, even church rats had more wealth at the time. The king was tired of our little Johnny’s excesses, in short he was like: ‘Those Heathen savages be ye heathen savages, ye would need ye bargaining rum’. So Johnny literally became bargaining rum.

Little Johnny sailed to the new world in shackles as a prisoner of his own people. He was incessantly bullied and mocked, amean who wouldn’t make jest of a short pedophile? Even Bruce Wayne with all his rich boy swag would. So the ‘Colonialists’ as they were referred to in those perilous times landed on the new piece of north American land and decided to call it ‘Virginia’ because all the young men on the voyage were virgins and also because among all the colonialists there wasn’t a single female human. They built their settlement close to shore and quickly got to searching for what they had originally come for – GOLD, red hot Indian Gold.

Now we finally get to meet Pocahontas. Pocahontas was about age 13 when white people decided to invade her people’s personal space. The name Pocahontas translated to –‘LITTLE WANTON’. Meaning she was adventurous and shii, I hope you all know what it means when we say ADVENTUROUS. Pocahontas was a good girl with a kind heart and everyone loved her but she had some pretty sick habits. Our dear Poko (short for Pocahontas) was the daughter of the warrant chief; the overall ruler of the Indians at the time, POWHATAN was his name.

Now Powhatan was a bad guy with over 100 wives who all bore him one child each and Pocahontas was one of those children. Her father was very fond of her, he liked her the most. Now remember I said Pocahontas was adventurous and all, so apparently all the boys knew her as a young erh how do I put this? Young Rihanna, I sincerely hope you do get the picture.

So there was this day, she was having fun with one dude that was like thrice her age. Her father caught them together, she ran off and the dude was executed. It was at this same time that Johnny miraculously escaped the throes of his countrymen. He foraged into the woods and stumbled on Poko taking a bath by the river. ‘Oh my’ He said. So he peeked at her having her bath and suddenly it hit him. You know that feeling of accomplishment Columbus felt when he discovered discovering America might not have been a waste after all or that feeling you felt when Obama won the re-election? Ok this doesn’t even compare to that, but what the heck, I’ve tried my best at describing the feeling. He took her clothes and went to hide it, simple. She had to walk almost butt naked back home while Little Johnny followed closely behind, watching her every move.

POWHATAN was very disappointed in his daughter, now he knew she had little ‘Self-control’ but at least she had always come home with her clothes on. John smith came through and tabled her clothes before the king, he’d intended it as a peace offering but the Indians were not as naïve as he’d initially thought. In fact they didn’t even understand all the Victorian grammar he was blowing. He had forgotten one very vital fact – he could not speak in their tongue and moreover he was a freaking foreigner. They soon chained him and proceeded to execute him for his heinous crime,.Who knew even the ‘heathen savages’ as the English liked to call them had standards? Go figure.

Now the Indians held public executions, they killed erring criminals publicly. It served as deterrents to other aspiring Shina Rambos’ in the populace. They did not care that he was a white man and proceeded to execute him rather brutally.

Smith_PocahontasSavingCaptainJohnSmith

So on the chosen day, they set his head on a large stone and ‘Opitchapan’ the King’s brother, right hand man and chief executioner held out a big club and proceeded to separate little Johnny’s head from his brains. Like in a Bollywood movie, just as ‘Opitchapan’ was about to perform his duty, Poko stormed through the crowd and put her head in place to shield Johnny’s head. Powhatan fumed; he asked her why she had decided to put her life on the line for a foreign pervert. This moment later formed the crux of the Pocahontas story and is an historical event of epic proportions to some, as the British claimed it meant even the heathen savages could be saved.

Now did I forget to add that Pocahontas was witty? Well she was; her IQ would rival Sanusi’s even when oil money is not involved. She knew that Powhatan had secretly wanted to establish trade relations with the British but because he feared being viewed as a weak king, a snitch and subsequently losing his kingdom, he had decided to play along with his dumbass inner circle of advisors who had all suggested a full scale assault on the British settlers.

Let’s go back to the moment now shall we? So when he asked her why she had decided to put her life on the line for a foreigner, na so she turn preacher. She talked about love, acceptance, forgiveness and all. The main points of her sermon was that if they killed Johnny there and then, then they would never understand these strange white men who were way more sophisticated than they and it might lead to a full scale war. Like Jazz was at work everybody seemed to have an epiphany, all at once, even all the chiefs and high ranking officials. It was like common sense dropped from the sky and fell into their heads, so they all agreed and little Johnny was spared.

Nobody knew the real reason why Poko had decided to save Johnny. Little Johnny wore puffy pants because his member was in no way proportionate to his body. It stood out and had an identity of its own in normal pants. Apparently she had been peeking while he took baths. Go figure.

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DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

That’s it folks, the Ferrytale series finally comes to an end, its been one hell of a cruise. Big thanks to God and all the guest writers who agreed to be a part of this idea. I am greatly in your debt, you are all 222mmuusshh. Thanks are also in order to @Oluwalatte and @iam_emeka, they were both responsible for designing the FerryTale posters.

Finally, thanks to all our readers, every single one of you, for reading, RT’ing the links, commenting, enduring the constant daily harassment of your TL’s and every other thing I have failed to mention. You all make this worthwhile.

We won’t be blogging for most of December, but I promise we’ll be back with some very special end of the year posts to lift your spirits, make you think and keep you entertained. The posts will be going online from  Christmas day all through till January so just keep your fingers crossed and keep us in your prayers.

Thanks again, I cannot over-stress this, we at redor are extremely grateful. I know I said I wouldn’t write anything serious for a while, but I came out of my temporary retirement to write something. You can #Clickhere to read. To make every post in the series easily accessible, we made it a category, so all you need do is just browse through or just #Clickhere.

Ciao………@Achi_va.


FerryTale – 7

It’s the first of December yo!!! *now azontoing* The truth is I’m not as excited as I claim to be. Christmas these days isn’t as fun as it used to be for me. I think it stopped being fun the moment I stopped getting Christmas clothes *shrugs*.  But still a happy new month to all our readers, we at redor love and appreciate you all (no homo).

Today we have The @Vescucci here to do time on the tale of the Sleeping Beauty. Enjoy!!!

***

In a kingdom far far away (which nobody really knows about because no historical records are available) and a fucking long time ago (which is neither a thousand years nor ten thousand years because we really just don’t know) there lived a King (prerequisite of KINGdom) and a Queen (don’t be a smartass). The kingdom, called Nowheria, was a very prosperous one and everyone adored the King and the Queen. But they had a problem; they did not have a child. They had been married barely just about two years but back in those days, family planning must have been impossible to conceive (pun intended) and two years without a child must mean the shit has really hit the fan.

One day, while the Queen was having a bath, she had a “vision” where a cherub told her that she would give birth within seven months. She had probably rolled in the hay with someone else seeing as the King couldn’t get ‘it’ up to save his life and had gotten pregnant and then spurned this story which would be acceptable to everyone especially the poor phallus challenged King. Cunning woman, that one.

Seven months later, she had a baby girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. Neither the Queen nor the King had blonde hair in their family but everyone assumed that a baby announced by a cherub must surely stand apart. The Queen’s guard who had blue eyes and blonde hair and was not challenged in the phallus department naturally escaped suspicion.

To celebrate this great event, the King invited twelve “fairies” to be godmothers to his child. The fairies were actually middle-aged women who wore sparkly clothing and carried wands about. So the King had prepared for the fairies chests filled with trinkets and jewels of all kinds so that they may bestow their best of gifts upon the child.

On the appointed day, the fairies arrived one by one and were shown their places on the great banquet table. They were very delighted by the chests the King had gifted them with. They proceeded to bless the child, one after the other. The first one blessed her with courage. The next one blessed her with extreme beauty. Intelligence, Trustworthiness, Likability, Kindness, Wit, a good singing voice, Charm, Grace, Dance were all gifts bestowed upon her character. They had all unfortunately forgotten about bestowing long life without which all their gifts would be pointless. There was one fairy left though, the most powerful amongst them, yet to bless the child. But as she was straightening out her gown, in a bid to proceed towards the child, a very ugly woman appeared right in the middle of the banquet hall. She was fuming! She was actually fuming, like a chimney and the gas was the worst thing anyone had ever smelt. A few people collapsed and the strongest men had their eyes watering. She was the last of the fairies but she was largely ignored and left alone because of her deviant ways like literally eating your child for breakfast. Apparently, she took offence for not being invited to this occasion and decided to take it out on the little princess. She pronounced that the child, after her eighteenth birthday, would prick her hand on a rosebush, turn bluish-green, try a somersault but fail, break her neck and then eventually die from internal bleeding. Everyone gasped in horror. The fairy grinned, self satisfied and disappeared the same way she had appeared. Sadly, she didn’t take her stink with her.

Mutterings, lamentations, wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued. The last fairy then waved her wand and all lips were fused, even the King’s and Queen’s. She then reminded everyone that she still had a gift she could bestow on the princess. Since she was not as strong as the evil fairy, she could only mitigate the curse that was upon the child. Instead of the princess turning bluish-green upon being pricked by a rosebush, somersaulting but failing and breaking her neck and then dying from internal bleeding as she turned eighteen, she would develop a chronic case of sleeping sickness that would last for 47 years instead. Everyone felt relieved that the princess would not die but would merely appear dead for 47 years so they continued their merriments after their lips were released.

The King could have waited maybe 17 years before he banned all flowers. Or perhaps he could have banned only flowers that had thorns. But as was his wont, he banned all possible flowers from that very day and had declared that all florists be put to death before the Queen told him that was perhaps going too far. Being the caring queen that she was, she suggested instead that all florists be banished upon the threat of death if they ever returned. He grudgingly agreed. If the buffoon only knew he actually had no daughter.

Exactly seventeen years, eleven months and three weeks later

On the Princess’ eighteenth birthday, the King threw her a lavish party and all royalties from neighbouring Kingdoms were invited. It was an open secret that it was meant to be some sort of auctioning to find the Princess a worthy suitor. So, on her birthday, all the eligible princes and unmarried kings from across the land came to seek her hand in marriage. She wasn’t taken by any of them except for one lad who had accompanied a snotty prince of a faraway kingdom her father recently established trade relations with. This prince’s companion managed to find her unattended to in a small lobby and he handed her a rose flower he had brought along from his country. She was fascinated by it and didn’t know to be careful and ultimately got herself pricked. She immediately fell to the floor in a deep sleep and the boy disappeared from the scene faster than you could say rosebud.

She was found there by a maid a few minutes later but she also fled the scene lest the King cut off her head and feed the crows he kept in his courtyard. Eventually someone of high enough rank found her and raised alarm. The King was aghast. He thought the old wicked fairy had played a prank until he found the flower that the clueless boy had discarded in his flight. With very heavy hearts, the King and Queen realized they may be dead before their child wakes up.

The King arranged for the castle of his brother (who was on exile as they did not see eye to eye, literally too; the King was very short) to be used as a sleeping tomb of sorts. It was adorned with all kinds of beautiful and comfortable things. The princess was laid in the biggest chamber of all and left to rest in peace but not that kind of rest in peace. The good fairy chipped in and made the castle as inaccessible and hidden to the world as possible. Very soon it would be a thing of legend.

47 years, three months and seventeen days later

It was the appointed period for the princess to be awoken. All the young princes had been waiting for a shot at the princess. Some of them had been waiting for so long that they now had grey hair. They all knew that whoever kissed her would instantly get her love and share her bed. They all set out for the forbidden castle via different routes. The bushes, especially the roses continually pricked them. About three quarters of them gave up as they were not used to such strong willed roses. Various tribulations befell them but one of them made it to the princess first. She lay on the bed with a silk cloth gently covering her face. The prince approached her silently with his heart beating madly in his chest. The candles were lit and this surprised him for a moment but then it didn’t. He bent over the princess and kissed her forehead. Slowly, the princess stirred and he removed the silk cloth. And what he saw took his breath away.

A wrinkled, 65 year old woman!

Apparently, the good fairy had forgotten to include an anti aging spell.

Dafuq? He thought.

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

@Vescucci blogs at Vescucci.wordpress.com, he’s quite the intelligent writer.  We are almost done with the FerryTale series and boy has it been one hell of a cruise. Join us tomorrow as I bring you the last story, the tale of Pocahontas. It will be coming pretty early, most probably before the sun rises.  So I might be the first handle you see in your mentions tomorrow morning. All things being equal that is.Thanks for stopping by.

Bye.


FerryTale – 6

It’s the last day of November, who else is excited? We are on the horizon of the most festive month of the year. Christmas has so many memories for me, some good and others not so good. I personally can’t wait to see the world come to an end, can you?

Today we have the uber talented @weird_oo (I stole that from her blog by the way) here with us to give us her own unabridged version of the tale of Rapunzel, you know, the girl with the long hair and all. You’ve seen the movie Tangled right? Anyway here we go.

***

There lived a man and his greedy wife. They were very much in love but they had no child. The man did not leave her, despite the fact that his mother insisted he did so because his wife was a ‘useless woman who used abortion to destroy her womb’. He was in love and he would do anything for her.

Beside them lived a Lagos big girl called ‘Aunty Dollars’. Aunty Dollars was notorious for her diabolical means of making money and bringing customers into her hair shop.

Aunty Dollars had this mango tree in her compound and her neighbors could see it. When Aunty Dollars went to Dubai for holiday, the man’s wife, greedy woman, decided she wanted the mango.

She cried and went to her husband.

“Honey I really want those mangoes at Aunty Dollars’ house”

The man was confused. “I can buy you any mango in the market my love. Must it be her own?”

“Yes. If you love me, you’ll get them for me”

The man was unsure of what to do.

His wife’s long throat increased the more time he wasted.

“I will die if I don’t eat Aunty Dollars’ mango o!” the woman wailed.

‘See me see wahala’ the man thought to himself. ‘On top mango again?’

When the man got tired of his wife’s nagging and deliberate bad cooking, he decided to get her the mango.

With his heart in his mouth, he jumped fence into Aunty Dollars’ compound and got the mangoes.

He thought the matter had ended there.

For where!

The greed in the wife was something else. She wanted more!

“Your mates have four children you’re here looking for mango!” he shouted one day in a rare display of anger.

He ate burnt jollof rice and dodo that night and with repentance in his heart and hunger in his stomach, he stole the mangoes.

Anything to keep his ‘darling’ wife happy; and keep his stomach from purging themselves out.

Until one day…

“Oho!” Aunty Dollars screamed at the base of the tree, cutlass in hand, catching her thieving neighbor unawares. He hadn’t known she had come back!

“Mr. Man! Ah! So you were the one stealing my mangoes? You don die today!”

She sharpened the cutlass on the floor while the man, scared, stayed on the tree, mangoes in hand.

“Please” he begged. “It was the devil!”

“You will go and meet the devil today. Ole!”

The man begged and begged, promising anything and everything.

Aunty Dollars, a diabolical and crazy woman, thought about it and decided to take him up on his offer.

“Seeing as I haven’t been serviced in a while, I want you to sleep with me for a month” She smiled in satisfaction at the shock on the man’s face.

“But I am a married man!” he protested weakly.

“Oho! A married man that steals mango abi! Do you want me to call the whole street to gather and burn you? Ibu fada?”

The man begged for another bargain, anything but sleeping with her. It would have been easier if she was pretty but OH NO!

Aunty Dollars looked like two bags of beans with legs on a good day. How was he, a skinny man, supposed to survive pounding such a heap of fat? What if she decided she wanted to ride him? Suffocation is real o!

The man pleaded profusely but she was adamant.

“Neighbors o!!! Come o! Ole dey here! Bring tire!” she screeched.

The man quickly apologized and agreed to her demands.

Without telling his wife, the man played his away match in exchange for mangoes for a month and like a G, he scored. Before the month was over, Aunty Dollars became pregnant.

After nine months she gave birth to a beautiful girl with very light skin.

Thinking to give the girl an exotic name, she named her Rapunzel, after the fairy tale story. As the girl grew, Aunty Dollars noticed her hair was so long and black.

Aunty Dollars had an idea.

 

During this time, the prince of the land was going through hard times. He had spent his money on women in Saudi Arabia and his father had stopped his allowance permanently. As he was walking, contemplating on his life, he passed by Aunty Dollars’ house.

“Rapunzel! Open the door!” she was screeching with impatience.

The Prince was amazed when he saw the beautiful girl that opened the door for the crazy woman everyone in Lagos knew. More so, he couldn’t believe how lovely and long her hair was. It was so long, it actually reached to her knees!

“Asanwa!” he exclaimed to himself. “Erichaamichaaka!”

The Igbo blood in him sang and in his head, he devised a method to make himself rich.

After weeks of monitoring Aunty Dollars’ movement, he knew when she left the town and that was when he decided to strike.

He crept to the side of the house and knocked.

“Rapunzel. Beautiful daughter of Eve. Open the door please.”

Rapunzel, shocked to hear the voice of a man got curious and opened the door. When the prince entered, he viewed the beautiful Rapunzel and fell at her feet.

“My goddess! Is your name Maggi? Because you’re looking spicy!”

Rapunzel blushed.

“Egovine! Tomato Jos! Omalicha baby! Daarling bebe! You have stolen my heart, Please take it but give me the change of your love baby!”

Rapunzel, having never been washed like dirty boxers before blushed and fell in love with the prince.

“Really?” she said shyly. “Am I really spicy?”

“Yes baby m! You are o! You’re finger lickin’ GOOD! So beautiful! Oh can I have a piece of your beautiful hair? To remind me of you every day!”

Rapunzel drank the zobo of Life and like a mumu she agreed and the prince chopped off her hair.

The next day, the prince sold it off as Brazilian hair to his vain sister. He smiled as he counted the money.

“Nna mehn! This na correct business o!”

And thus, the romance continued.

 

Rapunzel being a part-time mammy-water grew back the hair in no time and seeing this, the prince decided to open a saloon.

When Aunty Dollars came back from her trip, she was shocked to find out about how badly her business was faring. She enquired and found out that the Prince had opened his own hair salon.

Baffled, she went home to contemplate.

Rapunzel being a mumu in love couldn’t help telling her mother about the prince. She told her mother how they had planned their wedding already.

“Mummy he said he will give me the world!”

“The prince? That Igbo riff raff?”

“Mummy he is so great and romantic! He asks for a piece of my hair as a token of my affection. He’s sewing a shirt for himself made out of my hair. How cute!”

“Firstly, ORI E O DA! Sew a shirt from hair? Cute? Secondly, OHO! So he cuts your hair! That explains it”

Rapunzel was confused and asked he mother what she meant.

“Idiot! He is just using you! He has opened a hair salon with your stupid hair!”

Rapunzel was shocked and hurt.

“It can’t be!”

She waited for the next time the Prince would come and she confronted him.

“Where’s the shirt of hair you’re sewing darling?”

“Ah My Akwa Ugo! My tailor is a mad man o! He hasn’t finished!”

Rapunzel smiled sweetly. “Let’s go meet his now.”

“Now?” The Prince became nervous and Rapunzel knew her mother was right.

With anger, she threw the Prince out of her room window and the prince died.

Rapunzel also found out about how her mother was using her too to make money and she blamed her for the Prince’s death. Everyone knew Aunty Dollars’ reputation as a witch and she was arrested for murder.

Rapunzel decided to go into business for herself.

The neighbor, seeing the resemblance between him and Rapunzel one day added 2 and 2 to make 5. His Math was bad but he knew she was his daughter. His wife already had to children from him, both girls.

He told Rapunzel about her parentage and after DNA test proved him as her father, she moved in with him and handed over her business to him.

He later died, and somehow, along the line, this story turned from Rapunzel to Cinderella.

If you get what I mean.

The end.

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

@weird_oo scribbles her thoughts at phantompages.wordpress.com, if you’ve never raided her blog before now, you’re on a long thing. We are gradually coming to the end of this series my people. There are just two more tales left to tell. Join us tomorrow as we welcome Vescucci and  amadeus here to do time on the Sleeping beauty.

Have a great day.


FerryTale – 5

Good day ladies and gents, here with us today is @OluwaWanaBaba the moinmoin activist. He’s stopped by  to do the well desired justice to the tale of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs. Enjoy.

***

Once upon a time, in the ancient city of Ogbomosho, was a very powerful King, who was well loved and respected by his people. He was known far and wide for his just rule and his love for Moin-Moin, which the Queen always made for him.

The King and the Queen had a beautiful baby daughter named ‘Punani’. She was slightly hairy and had bright pink lips. Her teeth were white as winter’s snow, and she also had a voice like Barry White. She therefore became known throughout the kingdom as ‘Snow White’.

When Snow White was just 2 years old, the Queen died from a mysterious illness. The King, needing someone to prepare the royal Moin-Moin, scoured the land for a new wife, and found a woman whoseMoin-Moin was the best at the time, although it wasn’t as good as the late Queen’s Moin-Moin. So the King married her, but continued the search for better Moin-Moin.

The new Queen was a vain, evil woman, and in order to prevent the King from finding better Moin-Moin, went to FadeyiOloro for help. Fadeyi gave her a mirror that would answer any question she asked, and help her in cause.

When she got home, she asked the mirror, “Mirror Mirrorwey flat like my ass, which person Moin-Moin forthis kingdom sweet pass?” The mirror responded “Tuale! Mama Na your Moin-Moinsweet pass.” This went on for over 16 years.

After 16 years, when Snow White turned 18, the late Queen’s will was read, and Snow White inherited her mother’s cooking book. Snow White, who loved to read and cook, dove immediately into the book and soon began to learn the secrets of making her mother’s special Moin-Moin.

Suddenly, the new Queen noticed that the mirror was beginning to give her weird answers like “Madam,calm down make I check” and “Omo I no too sure oh.” And one day, it finally said “Your Moin-Moinmake sense, but Snow White own na die!”

The new Queen was enraged. She didn’t know that Snow White knew how to cook, let alone make even better Moin-Moin than her. She began devising dubious plans on how to get Snow White away from the castle before the king found out about Snow White’s Moin-Moin.

The next day, the King was discussing with his staff as to which higher institution Snow White should attend and the Queen used this as her opportunity. She immediately suggested University of Lagos to the King because it was far away. The King did not know her reasons, but supported her anyway and they organized a special centre for Snow white, paid a few people and Snow White waltzed her way into Unilag.

Snow White was sad that she had to leave home and study faraway. But her father promised her that it was for the best. In Unilag, nobody knew about Snow White’s royal status, so it became easier for her to make friends. She was particularly close to a group of 7 short boys in her class; Messi, Iniesta, Xavi, Juan Mata, Wright-Phillips, Arshavin& Aaron Lennon.

She spent a lot of time with these 7 dwarfs, reading and improving her cooking. They all gave her reading and cooking tips, and soon her Moin-Moin making skills attained legendary status. After the end of the school year, Snow made here royal status known to the dwarfs, and invited them over to her Kingdom to spend the holidays.

The dwarfs were surprised at the news, but were happy to spend some time at a palace. When they got there, they noticed almost immediately that the Queen did not like Snow White, and decided to monitor her movements. They also told Snow White to be careful but she told them not to worry.

The new Queen, wanting to end Snow White for good, went to a witch to find a way to kill Snow White without anybody ever ‘nabbing’ her. The witch gave her 3 different methods, and told her that even if the first 2 failed, the third wouldn’t.

So the Queen went to work on her plans immediately. The first plan was to poison the E! Channel on the DSTV in Snow White’s room. Just as Snow White wanted to change the channel, the dwarfs rushed into the room, wanting to watch the Juventusvs Chelsea game. By the time Juventus was done destroying Chelsea, the poison had worn off.

The Queen, who watched the whole scene on her magic mirror, was angered by the dwarf’s interference and prayed that it wouldn’t happen again. She then moved on to the second method. She poisoned a GTB ATM card that was going to kill Snow White if she put it inside a machine.

She then told Snow White to have the card and go shopping for new clothes for school. Snow White was delighted and thanked her so much. On getting to the ATM, as she was about to slot the card in, the machine went out of service, and by the time the bank officials had fixed it, the poison had worn off again.

The Queen was enraged. She was so pissed that Snow White was still alive. She decided she had to take the final step to end her life. She invited Snow White into her room and told her about how good sex was, and why she should have it regularly. Let’s just say she gave Snow white a perverted version of the ‘sex talk’.

Snow White, who had heard about sex before but only in whispers, was pleased to know it wasn’t a bad thing. When the Queen offered her condoms, she accepted them with glee. She never even suspected the condoms were poisoned.

Snow White quickly called a boy in her class whose name was Vic-O whom she had a crush on.

Fine boy

He came over to the palace immediately and they went to her room. While Vic-O was kissing and sucking her boobs, Snow White handed the condoms to him and he put them on.

As Vic-O chook preek inside Punani, na so Punanikpai.

Vic-O screamed when he noticed she wasn’t moving, and the dwarfs rushed inside the room. Messi knew what was going on but focusedfirst on saving Snow White. He had read a story somewhere about a kiss from a prince saving a poisoned woman, and asked the other dwarfs to search for the nearest prince.

So they made their way to the Channel O awards, and begged Ice Prince to kiss Snow White. Although reluctant at first, he kissed her and she woke up. The dwarfs were delighted, and took Snow White back to the kingdom.

They told the King the whole story, and he ordered that the Queen be made to listen to Tonto Dikeh’s songs for the rest of eternity. He thanked the dwarfs for their help, and gave Snow White’s hand in marriage to Ice Prince.

Snow White & Ice Prince gave birth to a ‘beautiful’ baby boy (who grew up to be @Achi_va), and they all lived Moin-Moiny ever after.

The End..
Mayowa “Wana” George.
+234 809 154 7312
wana@360nobs

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN
Mr Wana Scribbles his thoughts at playbookutunu.wordpress.com. Do check out his work.
Thanks for stopping by, and join us tomorrow as we welcome @weird_oo. Trust me, you don’t wanna miss this.


FerryTale – 4

Today on FerryTales we have @no_Deemples or as she would like to be referred to in these parts  – @oneomoheko here with us. She stays famzing lagos, but before we send her packing to wherever she came from, she had this to say about Aladdin right before he met his biological father and eventually became an armed robber for a living. She claims to have been there when it all happened, I personally think she’s a stalker. Enjoy

***

WArning: The narrator and @oneomoheko are not the same person, I repeat the narrator and @oneomoheko are not the same person.

DISCLAIMER: I AM HUMAN -_______________- THIS POST IS SINCERELY INTENDED TO WASTE ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR TIME. IT IS ABSOLUTELY STUPID AND RIDICULOUS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY ‘COINCIDENTAL’. ANY SPELLING ERRORS NOTICED IN THIS POST BY OUR EVER SO OBSERVANT READERS ARE A PRODUCT OF A POOR SCHOOL SYSTEM 😐 WHICH I’M SURE YOU ALL ARE VERY FAMILIAR WITH, MOVING ON……..

Ayo and Tente…..Aladdin and Jasmine’s story as told by @OneOmohEko

ACT 1: SCENE 1:

{Camera moves around the room chambers, zooms in  on the Princess ‘Tente’ brushing her Lady Star weave, she’s clad in expensive gorge wrapper tied to her chest with  bead on her wrists, neck and hair}

No puns intended, seriously.

Princess Tente: {talking to herself} Hian! Thizzz lady star weave-on would juzz be removing, by the time I carry thizz hair for two monthzz now everything would have removed. What a wazte…..

{Enters the maid, Mercy dressed in a less expensive wrapper tied to her chest}

Mercy: {kneels in front of Tente} your majesty, the visitors are here. The Sultan said I should inform you of their arrival.

Princess Tente: Meme get up. Come here. Come and help me with my hair.

{Mercy hurries forward and bows before Tente}

Mercy: It would be an honour, you look beautiful my princess….. {Mercy continues ‘washing’ Princess Tente while she brushes her hair}

Princess Tente: tainzzz.{sighs}

Mercy: What is the matter my princess?

Princess Tente: I ‘ham’ not happy. I don’t want to get married to the Don, my father izz juzz forzzing me {busts into hot tears}.

Mercy: My princess don’t be sad, I would do anything to be in your shoes. You should be happy that the Don asked for your hand in marriage. Every geh in the land wishes to be married to the Don.

Princess Tente: But the Don hazzz other women in hiz harem, I would juzz be another fizh in hiz pond…you should count yourself lucky you aren’t in my shoezzz Me-Me….I wizh I were you.

Mercy: Sadly, I could change and be you, but that would only work if we blind the eyes of other people.

{Tente gasps)

Princess Tente: You are a geniuzzz!!! I know what we would do…..come come follow me.

SCENE TWO

NARRATOR: In the palace hall, maidservants are seen carrying gold platters of the finest game cooked by the king’s royal chef Mama Kas. On a table long banquet, gold cups and silver ware are arranged orderly in anticipation of the great feast that is to come. The Sultan can be seen on his royal throne having a conversation with the great Don. The Don is dressed in his favourite gold embroidery coat (the finest in the land), his signature cobra head staff and of course his pet parrot ‘Skibanj’ (all the puns in the milky-way intended) resting on his shoulders.

Don: Where is she? I am getting quite impatient….

Sultan: She is on her way, soon she would be here. I sent the maid servant to get her. Be patient.

Don: Umm. Okay {strokes imaginary moustache}.

{A few minutes later a gong is heard three times and the royal band starts playing – ‘here comes the bride’}

Sultan: Finally….Don let the ceremony begin.

{The Don gets up and walks to the right side of the throne as he waits for the princess. The bride walks forward in a slow procession, her face covered with a veil, everyone in the crowd gapes at her dress as she walks down to the throne located at the other end of the room where she stops, bows in greeting to her father then kneels down in greetings to her soon to be husband. The crowd gives a round of applause as the Don bends down to unveil his bride}

SCENE THREE

{Meanwhile In the slums of Surulere, it’s almost night time and the night market is gradually coming to life. Children with big stomachs clad only in underwear (pant :|) are seen playing on the streets, rolling spoiled car tyres, running about happily and are seemingly oblivious of the conditions in which they live. The gutters are overflowing into the streets and even down to the front of people’s homes and road side shops. An okada carrying a young lady stops in front of a two storey building that has paint peeling off the walls, showing that the building has definitely experienced better days}

Okada man: Na the place be this.

Lady: Okay….how much iz your money?

Okada man: Two hundred.

{The young lady brings out a thousand naira note and hands it over to the Okada man}

Okada man: (grumbling) ohhhh. Sister I no get change oooo. Where I go get change now ehn?

Lady: keep the change {walks away}.

Okada man: {gaping} AH! MADAM!!!! Thank you O!! Thank you!!!

{The lady walks to the entrance of the building where she meets an elderly man with a wrapper tied to his waist sitting at the balcony and listening to fuji music on the transistor radio}

Lady: Good evening zir.

Old man: Ehn…Oyinbo good evening o…can I help you?

Lady: I am looking for someone……errm {opens her purse and brings out a piece of paper)……errm…. Ayo.

Old man: Ehn….I know him….ehn…what is the matter? {Stares at the lady’s belly} Abi….Ayo don carry bele giff you too?

Lady: excuzze me?

Old man: Answer me!! I say shey he don carry bele giff you? {hisses} all you these useless girls…because una see say he don dey sing make small money una dey follow am….anyhow…go inside ehn….the boys quarters for the back…knock ontop the door…nah him house be that.

Lady: {sighs} thank you.

{The young lady walks to the back yard and knocks on the door. A young man of about 19 years of age peeps through the window and opens the doors on seeing the lady}

Lady: Errm….hello….Merzy sent me to you…erm….I am Tente…prinzzezz Tente, a petro-chemical engr….

{Ayo comes out of the room standing at the doorstep}

Ayo: (scratches head) Ehn….come in!!

{Tente and Ayo walk into the room}

{Ayo pauses at the door and winks at the imaginary camera}

{Camera goes round and round in circles, shows the sky and zooms in nollywood style then fades away}

{Insert commercial here}

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Or  do boys call you ugly?

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{Camera shows vehicles moving on Ikorodu road……

{@OneOmohEko:  I wonder what this has to do with the movie by the way {yes I just bracketed something inside a bracket inside a bracket, if you listened to your maths teacher in secondary school while he taught ‘Set theory’ you would know that my comment here is a sub-set of the bracket I bracketed it in {okay, back to the story} Narrator, shoot!}

NARRATOR: Hian! See I am tired of telling this story in a drama form {hisses} the story is quite ‘stewpid’ sef. Okay back to the palace scene, Don Jazzy opened the veil and saw this:

 

???

The whole crowed shrieked!!!! What a horrible sight! No one had ever seen anything like that before in their life. It turned out Donjazzy pulled off Mercy’s wig with the veil….sad, right?

The Don ordered his main thugs ‘the mavin crew’ to search for princess Tente all over the land. He needed to get married to her cos her father had told him she was his ticket to fame and fortune. See, princess ton….excuse me Tente had the most sonorous voice in the world, boy! Did she know how to wax a record and the Don also needed her on his side to make bigger hits and all.

Anyway sha, Ayo and Tente were living together, but see, Tente friend zoned Ayo cos he had one sneakers and one jeans and she was a member of #TeamAzAbigGeh. Ayo wasn’t happy that Tente was not feeling the boy, he knew he had to make it, if not for anything but to impress Tente. During one of his studio sessions a visitor from the east of Lagos – Ebutte metta to be precise came to visit his boss. His name was Bankydoubliyou. Bankydoubliyou heard some of Ayo’s songs and promised to sign Ayo to his record label Iyemeezy records. He also told Ayo that he would make him a soup or star.

Ayo was beyond happy, finally he would be able to make Tente his own. However Bankydoubliyou’s promises came with a clause, Ayo would have to stick to a name that portrayed him to be young and naïve. A name that would hold even if the whole world questioned it when he became older. Ayo agreed, nodding his head like an agama agama in the process.

DonJazzy on the other hand had gotten intel from his bad guyz at the SSS office that Tente had become the soup or star’s babe. He was so angry. He met with the gods of music in the land – baba Keks and Uncle 1d and told them his plight. He said he wanted Tente to suffer and lose her voice so that her music career would wreak havoc in the land.

Ovcos it worked. Even the president had to make an emergency broadcast.

But there is a sacrifice to pay for everything my friend. The Don had to give up his pet parrot, and skibanj became the chief pant washer and toilet flusher to the international music gods.

All these issues didn’t deter Ayo as he became more determined to marry Tente. Somewhere in a parallel universe different from  ours and where black is white and Uncoo Jona is Obama, this Ferrytale makes sense and Tente and Ayo lived happily ever after.

END.

@OneOmohEko: -farts- OH MY GOIS AM TIRED MEHN….

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

That was Ferrytale 4 yo, signed, dusted and delivered, so what do you think?

@Oneomoheko blogs here at redor, to get some more of her work, just check the categories pane somewhere on this blog. Join us tomorrow as we welcome the ‘moinmoin’ activist to do moinmoin inspired justice to Ferrytale 5. Lerra amigos.


FerryTale – 3

Morning gents and gents (see what I did there?), today we have the Postinor brand manager, also known as the master friendzone analyst @punstarr (formerly known to all as @DJNIRO_ ) here to tell us the tale of ‘The beauty and the beast’. This dude is so talented he’s been in the friendzone since 1914, true story. Have fun.

***

E get one time so, that na before Lugard make Naija as obodo Nigeria. When people still dey chop fufu with two hands. Na so one man, Ifeanyi say him dey go market… So him come ask him fam wetin dem want am to buy when him dey come back, him wife just siddon dey look. The first daughter say she want the type of hair wey obodo Brazilian girls dey wear. Ifeanyi fear, fear catch am because him sure say the girl no be him daughter, when him come back him talk say him go ask their mama where she find this one. The second one talk say na the latest BB10 she want from her papa. Him no fit faint for there, him just keep calm, mama Buchi don dey play AWAY GAME ba?  But the last one, Ifunanya, the one wey fine pass all the others come tell her papa, “Papa, as you dey come back, I want make you pluck better fresh ugwu for me… Specially for me” Him sure say na him pikin be this one, him come smile talk say him go try him best.

When the man come finish wetin him go buy and sell for main market, him come dey go house, but based on flooding things… Him no fit come continue the movement. Based on the weather, the man no sure say him fit  reach any small mama put or even  hotel and hunger don almost beat am die. But as him dey drive him “keke” jejely, na so him notice say light dey shine for inside one “koro”.  As him reach near where the light dey shine, him come see say e be like where king dey stay. Oyinbo go call am “Castle”.

Haba inside koro????

Based on say him no come get anywhere to crash, na so him say make him go crash inside the house until the next morning. When him reach the door, him see say e dey open, him come form Oyinbo voice from the small Rambo wey him watch last week: ‘Hello Anybody home?’.Him shout like seven times, nobody gree answer, na so him change am for their papa: ‘Nobody dey this house ni? I go enter o’  Him come enter inside the main house hoping say person go dey the house but nobody gree answer am, that na where him come see one big table with all types of food, even the type wey @Sirkastiq dey call @MissIgho every morning. The man still dey shout make person come answer am but when him see the ofe owerri with better pounded yam, na so him lockup, siddon chop till him belle full, instead of the food to waste, make belle tear. When him chop finish, him still no see anybody, so based on “hold ground”, him come climb upstairs only to find out say everything just soft, even get room with bed wey be like stadium. No be joke o. When him wake the next morning, everything still soft, dem don make better ewa agonyin keep for table dey wait am but still him no see anybody, na so him say make him carry him wahala dey go house. As him wan dey go, na so him see one big bundle of ugwu! This ugwu set pass sun wey don tire to dey shine, exactly the type wey Ifunanya say make him bring come back.

The Ugwu Chronicles? *holds laugh*

But as him wan pluck the ugwu, na so one fugly thing, wey ugly pass monkey and baba Ota when dem get pikin, just come out from the ugwu, shout for am, “Ungrateful man! I give you house, you chop my food and sleep for my own bed, but the only thing wey you wan use thank me na to collect my favorite ugwu! I go make sure say you no send any more broadcast with that BB007 phone wey you buy!” Na so, Ifeanyi fall for ground dey beg, “bros no vex, no kill me, I go do anything you want, the ugwu no be for me, na for my pikin Ifunanya. She say make I bring ugwu for her when I dey commot market”. Na so the animal body come cool like say dem pour am ice water. “I no go send you go where Dagrin dey, but that na on one condition, say you bring Ifunanya come here!”. Na so Ifeanyi, come gree sharply, unto say na that one go save him life.

When Ifeanyi reach house, na so him dey cry like pikin wey lose headies for where him daughters dey. When him tell them wetin happen, na so Ifunanya tell am say make him no worry, say she go stay with the animal. “Papa. I go do anything for you! No worry, you go keep your promise and you no go knack iron bucket! Carry me go the house. I go stay!”. E be like where Nkiru Sylavnus dey act Nollywood film, na so Ifeanyi come hug him daughter.  “I know say you love me, but as e be so, na only to tell you thank you, say you don save my life”.

So the man come carry Ifunanya go meet the animal but instead make the animal to chop the girl as him been want do with her papa, the animal just start to do Ifunanya well.

First of all (go down low), Ifunanya been dey fear the animal but as time come dey go, she come dey relax with the animal based on say, dem give her the room wey fine pass for the house and she come learn to make beads like the type wey madam Ayonaledi dey do. And na so the animal go dey one side dey peep Ifunanya then one day him come start to dey washy her, dey tell her plenty grammar, till one day the wash come set and she come see say she dey enjoy wetin the animal dey talk and e no come tey, dem come turn strong padi and before you go talk Jack Robinson, the animal tell Ifunanya to marry am. *ghen ghen* (This is theghenghen int*ur*national).

As Ifunanya hear that one, e be like say make ground open make she fall inside yakata! She no know wetin she go do, how she go take marry this kind animal wey no even get swag  reach “Vic Olmighty” own, e better make she kpai! But she no want make e pain the animal, sake of say him don dey kind to her all this time, she come decide to Zone am. “I no sure say I fit talk yes,” she begin dey stammer. “I for like to…” The animal come stop am at once, “I understand! And e no mean say we no go still be friends!”.

After all this one happen and the matter don chill, one day, the animal come give Ifunanya one mirror wey big anyhow. When Ifunanya peep inside am, she dey see her mama, papa and sisters for their house,”You no go dey lonely now,” that na wetin the animal tell her. As Ifunanya dey look the mirror, fear begin dey catch her. One day, the animal see her siddon near the mirror dey cry, him come ask her, “Nne ogini? Wetin happen?”. “My papa no well and e be like say him wan die! Talk say I fit see am again before him die, belle go sweet me!”. Before she go finish wetin she dey talk, the animal just shake head, then tell am, “lock up, you no go ever commot from this house!”.

But after some time, when him don calm, him come tell Ifunanya say she go fit go only if she promise say she go come back after one week, that na after 2 market days. Na so happiness wan kill Ifunanya o, she lie down dey lick the animal leg, come thank am. When she reach her papa house, na there she come hear say sickness catch her papa because him dey fear for him pikin but as him see her, him start to dey well again. Na so Ifunanya stay with her papa dey yarn am as the animal dey do her, all the washy wey him give her, and all the good things him dey do for her. As e dey go, time come reach wey Ifeanyi come strong again and body come well, but Ifunanya no know say the one week don pass and na like the second week she dey. Then one night as she dey crash, she dream say the animal dey die and him dey shout her name. Na so she get up at once start to run dey go the castle, with mind say, before she go reach, the animal go still dey well. As soon as she reach, she start to dey find the animal but him no dey inside house, she come run go outside where the animal dey always like to play, na there she come see the animal for ground like say him don die. At once, she just dive the animal like say na Indian film, she start to cry, “No die! No die! I go marry you…” As soon as she talk this one, the animal wey be like say him don die just start to change and before she know wetin happen, him face to turn to one fine bobo and all the big belle just turn to six packs like the one wey dem dey show for tv..

No comment

“Chei! I don dey wait for this time since. I dey do wetin Fela call “suffering and smiling” and fear no let me talk my secret based on say one witch turn me to monster and na only the love of woman wey go make me as I be before before and wey fit bring me back into my real self. Asanwa’m, I go happy if you go gree marry me…”

tears

Dem come do the wedding and after that day, the king pikin no gree make dem plant anything wey no be ugwu. And that na why until today, the people of the eastern Nigeria dey plant ugwu for their backyard. And at least once every year, dem dey chop egusi soup with ugwu and goat meat to remember this story.

THE END.
Sent from (@punstarr’s) Windows Phone 7 (As a Boss).

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

Niro scribbles his thoughts at playbookutunu.wordpress.com Do pay him a visit.  Join us again tomorrow for the next FerryTale. Thanks for stopping by, Lerra peeps.

Oya tell us what you think -_-


FerryTale – 2

*Coughs* *Clears throat* *Coughs again* Today we have the ‘Budding Writer/Columnist, Dancer/Choreographer, Twitter Activist, Foodie, Your Local Lawyer, Bush Igbo Boy, Real G’ @FrankUgo_  (I’m sorry Frank, your bio was just too awesome) here to do a THS on Cinderella. Do read and share your comments.

***

A CINDERELLA STORY.

  “Senior Amanda, Senior Amanda”

“You have an important message.”

“Somebody just dropped a message.”

Ugh! A girl couldn’t get some without someone coming to disrupt. I wasn’t alone – a junior student, Femi was there too. It was breaktime and normally, the hostel wasn’t meant to be open. Surprised?

No. Don’t be. I am a queen – a queen in this small kingdom of mine. I just need to say the word and it is mine. Name it.

The voice drew closer to my corner of the hostel room. Femi had worn his boxer shorts and got under my bed. He was shaking like a cold fish. I’m pretty sure he wanted it too but he was scared. ‘What-if-they-catch-me’, ‘What-if-they-suspend-me’. Fucking JJC problems.

“Amanda, you just got invited to the ball at St Patrick’s.” Oge said.

Oge was the hostel prefect and a ‘friend’ of mine. Whenever I needed the hostel for my extra-extra-curricular trysts which she believed were ‘class-stabbing moments’, she was there. She was good at the sciences too so she did my homework, projects and all for a little sum.

“With the way you are screaming, I thought it was even a letter from that your principal.”

“Haha. At least, we’re used to that. I can’t be this excited”

I tried to make a joke out of that.  Truth is I was used to getting letters from the principal summoning me for long hours and they were NEVER good. The normal me would get annoyed at Oge. But for the sake of the boy shaking with fright under my bed, I let it go. She sat on the bed.

“What are you wearing to the ball?” She continued.

“We’ll talk about that when you’re back from school. Right now I need rest, Please?”

“Okay, I will. Later. Just don’t forget to call your parents for the PTA Meeting next week.”

“Okay” I breathed this sigh of relief.

I had only Daddy since I was born. Mom died during childbirth eighteen years ago. My dad was a business tycoon traveling in and out of the country, never in town. I was entrusted into the care of maids and nannies very early in my life and that’s where my vice which I choose to refer to as a virtue started from.

Maybe if Daddy and Aunt Temisan, one of the maids locked their door properly during their dirty deal, I would have been the little saint. Maybe if Aunt Temisan never stopped inviting the male staff and other boys up when Dad was away, I wouldn’t have known anything about the different sizes and shapes. Maybe if Aunt Temisan stopped watching those people who moan excessively, I would have been the eighteen year old princess waiting for a prince charming. perhaps if all this never happened, the monster you call ‘Amanda’ wouldn’t have been created. But here I am, constituting a nuisance to myself. Not like I care.

“Oya Madam Oge. Bye bye” I continued.

“I just thought it would be nice to get this letter to you. It has been at the school box for like 5 days now. ”

I laughed in derision, gave her a hug and watched her leave.

Femi had been struggling for air. He came out already.

“Can we be done already? I have Intro Tech in 10 minutes” he said.

***************************************

He approached my bed slowly and quietly. I couldn’t feel his presence. He had that serpentine air, a snake in the grass. Very discreet. But I’d know that perfume anywhere. I’m used to it.

I noticed the tall, slender figure hovering over me, it was too late to hide the surprise in my eyes or cover up.

Mr Declan. The stubborn school principal.

He claps his hand and walks around the bunk. He didn’t expect the surprise.

“Wonderful Amanda Eze. Wonderful performance!”

Heaven knows I hate sarcastic people.

“And who’s the boy?”

He takes a closer look.

“Femi Desanya?, you have to be kidding me”

“Aren’t you in JS 2?” Mr Declan was startled.

“Come to my office right now.” He said.

Femi pulled up his boxer shorts and tried to pat down his bulge which angrily grew even larger. I slipped on my pinafore gown and we left to his office. He handed over his cell phone.

“Call your parents. I want them in my office before the end of today.” He’s quite furious now.

I picked up his phone first.

“The Eze’s residence. Who’s this?” A voice said.

“Aunt Philo. Just give daddy the phone”

“Your paale travel since. Wetin dey Amanda”

“Come to school with a driver now. ”

“Ehen, shey everything dey kampe? No bad news?”

“JUST COME!!”

I ended the call and pushed it over to Femi. We got expelled from the school and well, I’m back at home feeling good. No remorse whatsoever.

No one has the right to condemn me whatsoever. They might as well be preparing a sack letter for themselves.

Still had one more entrance to make, St. Patrick’s ball. Every villain needs a dramatic exit.

My excitement bubbled. Not like I wasn’t happy before  but the ball made my organs rejoice for joy.

***************************************

Friday night took forever to come.

Literally.

The boredom choked at me. Aunt Philo wouldn’t let me out of her sight, hovering like some silly fairy godmother. Father had forbidden me from going to the ball too. Like I was going to dry hump someone on the dance floor. Pah! I kept telling Philo I was going whether she let me or not. By thursday night, she had come to believe me.

Friday night, I slipped on my little white mini, the shortest one, I had. She took one look at me by the door and flew into a rage.

“I agreed that you could go to the ball, but there’s no way you can bag a prince looking like that.”

In her room, we rummaged through her closet stacked with all sorts of dresses. She pulled out a pale blue floats gossamer and satin construct and dropped it in my hands.

I dropped my mini right in front of her, not to worry, I’d taken care of any stray hair the day before. She gasped.

“Why the hell are you wearing a thong?”

She pulled up her mattress and took out a black wrapped package.

“This was supposed to your present for your next birthday. But you can have it a day early.”

She left the room and I tore open the wrapping paper, the contents brought a tear to my eye. Inside was the perfect pair of lace trimmed silk lingerie, high waist french knickers perfectly fitted to my 34 inch hip and 24 inch waist. I could kiss that woman.

Everything fit so perfectly. No one had ever seen me in a proper dress before, they’d all gawk.

“Come house before twelve.” Aunt Philo called from behind me. “When your father call and you never reach house, your own don finish be that.”

I was so excited. I had never been at St Patrick’s College before so I went with Okon, the driver who I forced to be formally dressed. I had to be like the princess of the night. St Patrick’s was the place. All the hot boys attended this school. Abs, muscular, sexy, name it.. They fit the criteria for prince charming and even more.

I walked with so much grace. Tried to be the ‘prim’ and ‘proper’ Amanda. I remember the matron in the hostel saying “You can’t get a prince charming when you’re looking like a slut.” I’m not so smart so I can’t recall. All I know is to get the good man, you have to act good. The ones at the gate collect the IV and I enter into the ballroom. It’s a really big event unlike what I had expected. I seat properly like a lady and well, the rest is bullcrap. It’s difficult pretending to be the good girl.

The event kicks off with a Zulu performance by some hot really sexy bodied guys and some other side-attractions. We have comedians to lighten up the whole atmosphere as well. It’s time for the for the formal dances and I’m still seated waiting for prince charming.

The soft music starts. It’s a song by R Kelly. I had just sipped some wine and was going to drop the glass when someone approached me. His hands are on my chair.

I look up to see who it was and Lord, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen tonight.

Bronze hair that goes to his neck and then curls back up. Dark blue eyes. Athletic build that perfectly accentuates the expensive cut of his tuxedo.

“Mademoiselle, May I have this dance?” He says.

“Of course yes.” I laugh, french is after all the language of love.

I’ve been waiting for this all evening. We sway through a couple of songs and then I excuse myself and return to the chair lined against the wall. The dancing continues and he comes to seat beside me. We talk, laugh, used to being this close to each other.

“Let’s take a stroll” Herman said.

” A stroll, well then”

We go outside and the moon we walk, hands clasped, talking. All this while, I had been observant about the time. Now, it was some minutes past 10.

We are heading towards his car. It’s the latest model of the Hummer Jeep. Emotions start to take control. We pull off our clothes and there’s a little bit of foreplay. We started kissing. His hands go to the right places – up and down, left and right. Then to spoil this beautiful night of mine, my phone starts ringing.

“Don’t answer it”

“No, don’t worry I won’t be long”

“No…”

“Hello Aunt Philo”

“Ah.. Amanda, paale has been finding you since. I tell him you went to buy medicine for your headache with Okon. Do and be coming back ni”

“Aunt Philo na. The party has not started na”

“I’ve sha tell you my own. Better be coming. Your father is vexing”

She ends the call right there.

“Sorry Herman. I have to go” I said.

“What? Go where?”

“My Dad. He needs me.”

“You can’t leave me like this.”

“I’m sorry”

I pull down my dress and pick everything from his car. It’s a dark and sad night for me already.

“Okay. Give me your number Amanda”

“I’m in a hurry. If fate wants us to meet again, we will.”

I can’t imagine I just said that. Me? Ah.

I run home and avoid the whole episode at the ball. Dad is mad but his anger simmers down after some minutes. I go in and give Aunt Philo a big hug. She has been my saving grace all along. I’m about leaving her room and remembered the silk knickers she got me. Oh my! I had left it in his car. I couldn’t let Aunt Philo know about this – She might not like this. It was already too much drama for me. I ran to my bed, thinking of Herman and Zzzz, I slept off.

“Amanda wake up, wake up, person dey find you.”

Not now. She was supposed to know I was tired.

“But Aunt Philo, Couldn’t you have told whoever it was to chill”

“E talk say e dey important” she answered.

“Who is it?”

“One fine bobo like this.  Err Herman Makera na em name”

“Eh? What?”

I ran to wash my face. My heart skipped a beat actually. I rushed down in my slip to see Herman.

He was sitting down in the living room.

“You forgot these actually” he said with a big smile.

“That can’t be the only reason you came here” I said.

We hugged each other.

“Wha… How do you know where I live?” I stuttered.

He silenced me with a kiss. “I looked for you and I found you. That’s what is important now.”

And well, we’re dating happily ever after.

END.

***

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

Frank blogs at thecrazyyouth.wordpress.com, do check his blog. If you missed the first FerryTale post, check out the categories pane somewhere on this blog, we made it category just so it’ll be easy to access. Join us tomorrow at about this same time for the next post in the FerryTale series.

Ciao.