Hello mortals, midgets, short people, the vertically challenged and all other life forms existent on earth and beyond. Just in case they have internet in space, ‘beyond’ is supposed to cater for needs of life forms that may not necessarily come from my home planet, but are not of this world, #yougewatImean? Amean you just gatto gewarramean. You dig? Homie? I’m sorry, I apologize for all you just read, I’ve been listening to Limpopo a little too much.
We did it people, we blogged for 30 days straight. I don’t even know how I feel about this (Side Note: ‘We’ = everybody that has contributed to redor since inception and up to this point).To say the truth, as at the day I wrote Promethium, I didn’t have up to half of the posts ready, I didn’t know how it was all going to turn out, all I knew was that I was going to have a blog post up every day for the next 30 days. How I did it was relegated to the background of my mind, I just had to make sure I did. Having that singular goal in mind helped in more ways than one.
There were a lot hiccups on the way here. I had to disturb a lot of people and I’m just thankful a lot of them came through, some I met in person (you know yourselves) others I haven’t even met in person. You know what amazes me about this whole blog business? A lot of people that appear on my blog have never seen my face, they cannot pick me out on the street and yet they agreed to write. You might not see the big deal here but I do. I guess it’s the only sort of miracle that can happen over the internet.
There was a lot of help along the way, there were times I couldn’t blog for whatever reason and some of my very good friends pitched in to help. It pays to have friends you can message in the wee hours of the morning, friends even willing to download the wordpress app just so they can help. It might all seem trivial but I am grateful beyond reason. To everybody that clicked on our links and followed the series from cradle to grave, I don’t even know what to say to you, but a big THANK YOU. You all helped this little sicko’s dream come true. I’m in tears fam, really I’m crying.
I could never forget everyone that featured on this challenge even if I wanted to. Thanks to all the Supermen and women that saw it fit to honor my invitation to write for redor’s 30 day Blog challenge. I owe you all and a lot too. Just look at how much I owe you guys.
What is redor?
Redor is a freak experiment really. There are a lot of blogs out there, some I admire a lot, they give me a threshold, like nigga this is the minimum level you must strive to attain. During the series, I heard complaints about some of the posts on here and to me it was funny. Why? Cos if you read the first post on this blog #here you would understand why. You see, I am more for the art than the message. The art in terms of skill and this whole writing thing, and the message in terms of content. Although sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference when the art really is the message. My point is as long as anything that appears on here passes across a message, I’m good. I don’t even have to agree with the posts (yeah I said it), and you don’t have to also. As long as it serves a purpose, be it humor, some deep poetry, might even be lewd, just assume I see some hidden meaning in it even if it isn’t that obvious.
Redor is a tool for young people such as myself to express themselves. Yes, the mistakes will come, we cannot always get it right and the truth is we will not always get it right, but it is important that you know you have a voice. Yes some pessimist somewhere might come across your work and call all of it shit, happens to the best of writers, the important thing is to learn from our errors and of course some people just want to put you down, learning to ignore these people is vital to growth. Like I always say, when I get criticized, I pick the relevant corrections and ignore the rest, it’s that simple really. Learn to express yourself, this is why I created redor, anybody and I repeat anybody can send me something (OF VALUE), no matter how badly written and I promise that if I see the message in it, I will put it up. I will crosscheck 20 times over if I have to and of course get help if it’s all beyond me. In recent times, you won’t believe how many times I proof read some posts before I blog them (PLEASE WE NEED PROOF READERS ON HERE) and some still end up with typos and mistakes.
The important thing is remember that your words can carry meaning: you don’t have to be a Shakespeare or Ted Dekker to appear on here. I don’t care about all that. The internet is no man’s land: you can do a whole lot more than you think with it. There are no limits to what a determined mind can achieve. So if you have anything of value, mention me on twitter or facebook and we’ll get to talking. If you are interested in becoming one of the contributors on here, hit me up with some of your work.
Happy Workers day.
Disclaimer: Not human. All images are courtesy of Google.
Symbol – Zn
Atomic weight – 65.39
Ionization energy – 9.3942eV
Chemist – @dollstreasure
I always remember this story with a smile.
That Monday afternoon, I stayed behind for ‘Calabar lectures’ alongside Mandy and Beluchi after everybody had gone back to the dormitory to hurry up their activities in preparation for afternoon prep. Before us was a huge pot of eba and steaming egusi soup (yes, it was the next big thing after jollof rice). My heart sang with joy, I never had the time to savor lunch because we had to go prepare and look fresh for afternoon prep. That’s what I’d have been doing if I wasn’t here in this old dining hall devouring eba and egusi with my cunning friends. I would have been standing in front of Girls dorm’s locked gates pleading with the ‘Baba Duros’.
“Baba, please I can’t stay for afternoon food, I’m a Muslim.” – Works only during Ramadan.
The new idiots from Niger (I don’t even know what people from Niger are called) with their ugly brown dentition were brought a couple of months back because they looked fierce and could supposedly catch ‘Blackman’. In their thick accent they would say,
“Recite Suratul Fathia.”
I would gladly recite and enter the hostel like a hero alongside the other Muslim students.
Other pleas included,
“Excuse me, sir. I’m stained.”
“Excuse me sir, I’m really pressed.”
“I’m not feeling fine. I have medical report.”
The looks of desperation had to be there. The oldest and the most disgusting ‘Baba Duro’ was ‘Labcoat’ (because of the dirty white coat he always wore). Word went round that he was a ‘jazzman’ (another story for some other time). He’d then go ahead and say, “Unless you say Please, Baba, my good, handsome and faithful husband.”
That was very repulsive. Some girls didn’t mind though, they would go ahead to say what the guy wanted just so they could enter the dormitory. What did we do in the dormitory? We had about 30mins to wash our school uniforms (or give juniors to wash if you’re a senior, normal thing), stand in line to get water, get the water, have your bath, gather books, dress up for afternoon prep and oh remember to put powder on your neck so that boys would think you’re neat or you had your bath.
I was ‘stabbing’ at present and enjoying it. Mandy and Beluchi however were professionals in this kind of shady business. They stabbed afternoon prep especially on Mondays. On getting to the dorm, I did everything at my own pace. Uche, my area partner asked if I was going to class and with a superior smile, I said no.
Gradually, the number of people in the dormitory reduced until it was just me, my professional accomplices and some a few others in separate parts of my dormitory. So I went to Mandy’s corner, she and Beluchi had bread and sardine set in front of them.
“Oya come and eat o.”
“You guys are just enjoying. Are you sure those soldiers won’t come and check?”
“Na wa o. Dolapo, calm down na. This is not our first time. Plus don’t kobalize us abeg.”
But I thought to myself, this is my first time and I ‘mara’ a lot for cane. They never get caught, so I wouldn’t. Mandy even used to stab night prep and iron her uniform with the school’s back-up generator, her skirt was blue instead of green. She was the queen of contraband.
We had spent like 20 minutes of our free time eating bread and sardine and chattering away until we heard people scurrying from Octopus house followed by the heavy footsteps we dreaded, the soldiers. They were around.
Without thinking, Mandy shoved us into the nearest wardrobe and covered us with the clothes hanging on the rack. She proceeded to cover herself with a wrapper and began her act. Beluchi and I crouched in the small wardrobe holding our breaths and keeping mute, making no sound.
“What is wrong with you?” A brusque voice said. It was ‘Baby soldier’
“I’m not feeling fine.” Mandy responded in a shaky voice.
“Why didn’t you go to the MIRoom? My friend you are not sick. Stand up and wear your daywear. You are going to guardroom. Baggar!”
Yes, if you didn’t vomit, you weren’t just sick enough.
We felt sorry for Mandy but we knew she’d take care of herself. The soldier came so close to our hiding place, we could even see his heavy brown shoes. That was when we really held our breath. He left however and walked to the other side of the dormitory and we heard him leave. At that point, we let out our breath in a whoosh. We had made it.
Beluchi and I were still trying to decide whether to leave the cupboard or stay in for a while when suddenly, the hanging clothes which shielded us were moved gently, staring at us with narrow yellow eyes was Isiaka, the disgusting Niger security dude. He called out to Hamidu, another security man and that one hurried towards us with glee. We were still in our underwear and they were ogling at Beluchi (There was nothing to ogle at on my body, haha you should see me now.)
“Go wear daywear. Una dey follow us go meet the remaining people.”
I was so angry, I wished my anger would make me a superhero and then I could kill them both. I dreaded the events that were about to ensue. So we silently put on our ‘daywear’, each of us plotting a way of escape.
‘To your tents O ye Israel!’
We were led to the gates and then rounded up with other students. By the time we all got to the dormitory gates, near the Baba Duro post, Beluchi had disappeared. I was on my own. I had to make plans to escape. The penalty was being flogged in public and the guardroom. Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful!
We all got on our knees, a light bulb loomed over my head and next thing I was kneeling, bent over, clutching my belly and ‘vomiting’ blood.
The soldier looked unfazed.
The tears began to flow.
In my tiny, tear-influenced voice, I said, “I did an operation sir and when the crisis starts, I vomit blood. That’s why I stabbed prep.” I vomited another again.
A flicker of pity flashed across his hairless face and then brusquely, he said,
Those words were my liberation from koboko mayhem that day. Many people know all about koboko business. That shii aint fun.
Don’t you just miss boarding house?
Calabar lectures – Extra food after every student has eaten.
Baba Duro – The security men at the girls’ dormitory.
Blackman – The mysterious naked thief who attacked the girls’ dorm at will. Almost every boarding school has this, right?
Mara – Unable to tolerate cane/koboko hence you ‘display’ and maybe cry.
MIRoom – School clinic.
Guardroom – Student prison.
Symbol – Cu
Atomic weight – 63.546
Ionization energy – 7.7264eV
Chemist – @Volturi_Lord
Code name please….
I leaned towards the cute girl, modulated my voice down a notch and replied her in my tested and trusted bedroom voice:
She raised an impeccable groomed eyebrow and managed to look unimpressed while still smiling politely.
Now both perfectly arched eyebrows were up and a tiny crease was beginning to appear in what I imagine was a botox enhanced forehead.
“Password please” she repeated….
“Oh sorry, illuminati was last month’s…..Ogboni!”
“Yea, the password’s Ogboni!”
The raised eyebrows immediately dropped, creased forehead went back to its obscenely smooth paradigm and the polite smile was back on her face as if copy pasted at the end of a wizard’s wand.
“Welcome to the Invictus corporation TBH, please go straight down the hallway”
Being an immortal god and been around for more than a couple of centuries would do that to a man, I’ve been in slightly different versions of this scenario over the last couple of a hundred years that I was almost on auto pilot. But this place was different. It wasn’t the dark sinister looking cave-like nest of festering evil we always expect from these take-over-the-world types. It was airy and cheery with a slight hint of cinnamon in the air……could they be baking cookies?
After months of undercover work and cunning slithering through the ranks, I was finally invited to the holies of holy, into the organ in the organization. I finally had a chance to know the unusual mind behind this unusual sublime entity called Invictus.
The fact that I was here alone was unfair, and the fact that I had being relegated to hunting minor offenders for frivolous misdemeanors while other gods, white gods in fact were out there doing awesome shii while I was used as a gofer was maddening. Avengers my ass!! If this wasn’t racism then the Nazi’s hadn’t killed 6 million jews……well actually they hadn’t killed six 6 million jews, more in the range of 11 mil. But who could account for humans and their mastery of the art of covering shii up? I just stick to my job and occasionally set some annoying earthlings on fire when I “accidentally” belch fire.
Over the years, I’ve had several code names for my clandestine operations, but just 2 had stuck. The first “the bawdy paet” was in the words of the urban Nigerian youths of today “casted” seeing as I had over centuries sent a lot of demons to Hades domain using that alias. So now I just go by The Blue Paet.
But of course I digress. Today’s mission is supposed to be a simple; get in, get the identity of the Head-nigga-in-charge as he likes to be referred to, get out, email a report to my supervisor, get home to my couch, a chilled can of my favorite brew and ESPN.
ESPN….human’s greatest invention! One couldn’t explain…..
Again I digress, I was now in front of a gold plated elevator and the red tinged motif on it almost had me laughing out loud. Who would have thought this possible? That I Sango, the once feared and revered god of thunder, lightning and all things loud and scary would be reduced to hunting down minor demons with drawings of a “cartooned” god on their elevator door. Who would have thought that I would be shutting down some of the few people who still actually remember that I exist?
Still chuckling I entered the elevator and pushed the single button available to be pushed. Sometimes I wonder if these evil-genius-maniac types took courses on how to be dramatic cause apparently they sha excelled at it.
The elevator opened into a corridor featuring a huge poster;
” 3,155,414,400 Seconds
We give you as many of this as you want.”
I felt a tug of excitement and forced myself to calm down. Now, This. Was. Very. Interesting.
I think a little education would do a lot of good here. You see, in the 1400th century, Lord Banks and some of his minions had escaped purgatory with approximately 17 liters of primordial ooze, which they had immediately and with high enthusiasm embarked on introducing into the drinking water supply of major cities the world over. Thus the Bubonic plague and the 25 million Europeans black death episode.
History had again repeated itself when the never-captured Lord Banks had again reappeared in the 19th century. This time toting an entire knapsack of meta-physically enhanced cholera pathogen that he was in the process of applying to the Asian and African continents (thankfully sparing) when he had being nabbed, hanged, drawn, quartered and had his remains scattered to the far ends of the world by our predecessors.
So when I stepped into the corridor and closely examined what had drawn my attention, I wasn’t only excited, I could feel a chill run up my spine. The Decal at the left upper corner of the poster was exactly like the one we had studied during one of the many mini-courses they made us take at one time or another. This one had stuck with me for a simple reason. The face on it was ugly as hell and it kinda reminded my of my ex-girlfriend ‘Olokun’. All gnarly and scaly.
It’s been quite a while I felt fear, so when I caught myself hesitating to take the long walk down the corridor to the huge double doors; I was startled and a little bit gratified. Fear was healthy. Fear was the difference between an immortal ‘godling’ and burnt immortal toast. Fear was exciting……. and if the thought has even crossed your mind that a god shouldn’t be scared of anything, then you obviously have no idea how fearsome, awesome and inherently scary the array of entities, beings, demons and incomprehensible things out there are. What was I expecting sef? You know absolutely nothing.
I slowly moved forward, each step filling, mingling and woven with trepidation. If I say I felt like going back I would again come across as a coward, but I’d like to officially inform you that the thought crossed my mind more times than the pointy edge of a pentacle. Call it what you wanna, but Lordy Banks had a reputation of being a Badoo! And when you think about the fact that he was single handedly responsible for the death of over a hundred million mortals, he was rumored to have once torn out the still beating heart of a succubus just to use it as a paperweight. Add to that mix the anger and wrath he’ll be feeling now after spending the last couple of a hundred years in various isolated parts and pieces. I just would love not to be there and definitely not to be the agent assigned to stop him when he decided to hatch out whatever he had in store for you people this new millennium. Where were those white gods when you need them? All full of heroic thoughts, delusions of grandeur and glory and of course…..full of horse shit!
The corridor curved at the end and flared to meet a massive double arched door of smooth fine bronze. No finishing, carving handle or protrusions of any kind. It just cast a dull sheen and stood there preventing unbidden entrance. Silent and forbidden…..You’d need an anti-tank missile to burst through this if those behind had no use for your presence but obviously they wanted mine, because the door slowly slid open on hidden hinges. Without even as much as a muted groan and I took a short step into the unknown. This was it… There was a very high probability that I wasn’t going to step back through those doors. Every good run has to have an end.
The first thing I noticed was the swirling pink mist, followed by the thudding and head convulsing banging techno music. Well this wasn’t what I was expecting. I cautiously pushed forward through the haze towards the source of the Owlcity jam that was on and what sounded like laughter. Visibility was zero and the air smelt like vanilla and lubricated latex……wait, make that vanilla scented Condoms. The entire environment reeked of vanilla flavored condoms. I wonder what the hell Lord banks was cooking up now. I had come with the expectations of maybe sitting in on a meeting, being introduced to him and maybe kotowing to le boss, but now I had being allowed into what seemed like their laboratory and when unknown “lowlifes” were allowed into their laboratory, that went a long way explaining a lot about how confident this group was.
I stepped a little bit forward and discovered what seemed like a short step that lead into a depressed hollow area in that great room. As if prearranged, the mist opened up a bit and I laid my eyes on what I was most scared of. Someone must have snitched and told these fellows my weak spot, my kryptonite.
I could just feel my power draining outta me. An African man wasn’t supposed to witness this, talk more of an African god, the epitome of manliness and strength. I had walked right into the middle of a gay orgy.
Symbol – Fe
Atomic weight – 55.845
Ionization energy – 7.9024eV
Solution – How to be a Gangster.
Chemist – @CaballeroZubair
Enter Denzel Washington as Frank Lucas. He’s evidently mad at the other guy. It’s something about money. A small argument ensued and the other nigga was like “what you gon do nigga? Shoot me in front of everybody?”. Denzel gave me a near orgasmic feeling when he calmly pulled the trigger on that nigga and coolly kept the gun back in his pocket. That was the kinda man I wanted to be – An American gangster.
Rewind a little and you have Curtis “50 cent” Jackson in bed. Bullet wounds to his chest and limbs. He is being fed food and oxygen through a tube. He is gonna survive this and when he gets out, he’ll make sure his enemies have it worse than him. That’s another gangster right there. The Flenory brothers also define what a gangster is all about.
I wanted to be them. I listened to all the songs marked “gangster rap”, had the lyrics in my head, watched more gangster movies and finally I was ready. I couldn’t get get into a gang battle or dope to buy/sell as this is Nigeria but I still did gangster stuffs like entering buildings through the exit, loading MTN recharge cards on my Airtel line, calling the customer care – with my credit, pulling out the flash drive without safely removing it and shooting ‘muthafuckers’ down – in Grand Theft Auto 4. I was a real hardcore gangster. A triple O G. Or so I thought.
I met Master Codi months ago, he taught me what being a real gangster means. Being a gangster isn’t about guns, bitches, drugs, violence, going to jail or supporting Chelshit Fc. It’s about choosing to do extremely hard things – and doing it like the perfect gentleman. Heck, anybody can go to jail. It’s easy to do drugs and be violent. There are malignant bitches everywhere, so getting bitches isn’t hard *in Riley freeman’s voice*. As such, those things ain’t even gangster. The million dollar question now is -> What does it take to be gangster? I have here today 10 quite simple ways of achieving your lost long dream of being the standard nigga gangster (tautology but who cares right?). When you’re done following these steps, you’ll be a super nigga – like Morgan Freeman.
1. Go to school, be attentive in class and do your assignments on time. Who knows anything that is harder than this?
2. Be honest – almost always. Lies are easy to tell. Everybody and anybody can tell a lie to make an impression or to get out of a tight corner. As a gangster, you gotta try hard to resist the urge to lie except of course when you’re talking to females, please tell them lies.
3. Do not sag your pants or do that color blocking shit. That stuff is for bitch niggas.
4. No matter how popular a song/movie is, if the lyrics/story-line are/ are dumb, do not fuxx with it.
Side Note: Most Nigerian and foreign rap songs fall into this category.
5. Be hygienic, It’s super hard to take your bath on time and stuff. It’s even harder to brush your hair or cut your nails but that’s what being a gangster is all about.
6. Read wide. Super nigga M.K.O said we should try to know something about everything. That is super hard. I’m sure you understand why we as gangsters must do it.
7. Be respectful. Respect strangers, your parents and everybody in fact. Respect their life choices and their persona. It’s too easy to hurl swear words and stuff at people on the internet.
The most important thing about being a gangster is the final and greatest rule. I call it the “Ultimate Rule”
8. Do not tell everything you know. The smart ones among you know why this post will end here.
NB : No Auto-tune was used in writing this post. Thank you and follow our blog/twitter.
Symbol – Mn
Atomic weight -54.938
Ionization energy -7.434eV
Solution –100 questions
Chemist – @TheBluePaet
This is the result of Peer Pressure really:
1. Last beverage→ Coke
2. Last phone call→ Emeka
3. Last text message→ Google (I really need to deactivate those Gmail notifiations)
4. Last song you listened to→ Stay – Rihanna
5. Last time you cried→ Can’t remember
♥ HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? No.
7. Been cheated on?→ No
8. Kissed someone?→ No
9. Lost someone special? Not really.
10. Been depressed?→ My life = Depression
11. Been drunk and threw up? → I’m a social drinker (like once in 6 months kind of drinker)
LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
16. Made new friends → Yes, I make new acquaintances so much its alarming.
17. Fallen out of love → I never even fall in the first place.
18. Laughed until you cried→ LOL yeah.
19. Met someone who changed you→ Not really, people don’t have that effect on me.
20. Found out who your true friends were → Yeah.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → LOL yes.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → No.
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → A few.
25. Do you have any pets → Evil people have pets, I’m a good person so I don’t.
26. Do you want to change your name→ No.
27. What did you do for your last birthday → Fasted till 6, took my friends out to eat, got treated to a meal of indomie and egg I ended up hating.
28. What time did you wake up today → 3:40am
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → Sleeping.
30. Name something you cannot wait for → Buying myself a new laptop, Jehovah knows its long overdue.
31. Last time you saw your father → Sunday
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → They’re quite a lot and not meant for the internet.
33. What are you listening to right now → Daylight – Maroon 5.
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → No
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → The fact that I have to go somewhere really soon but I’m here instead typing this blogpost.
36. Most visited webpage → Twitter.
37. What’s your name → Akinbobola
38. Nicknames→ You really don’t wanna go there.
39. Relationship Status → Single
40. Zodiac sign→ Pisces (According to twitter )
41. Male or female or transgendered→ Male.
42. Primary→ Maryland Convent Private School.
43. High School → Apostolic Faith Secondary School Lagos.
44. College → University of Lagos, Akoka.
45. Hair colour → Black.
46. Long/medium/short → Medium
47. Height → F u.
48. Do you have a crush on someone? No. I never have those, I’m not human you see.
49: What do you like about yourself? → I rise to the occasion when shit really hits the fan.
50. Home Town → Ode-Ekiti
51. Tattoos → No.
52. Righty or lefty → Righty.
♥ FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → Can’t remember.
54. First relationship →Never been in one.
55. First best friends → Can’t remember.
56. First sport you joined → Soccer
57. First pet → Never had one
58. First vacation→ Never had one.
59. First concert → The Experience.
60. First crush → Can’t remember.
61. Eating → Nothing.
62. Drinking → Nothing.
63. Already missing → Nobody
64. I’m about to → Get outta here
65. Listening to → Just one last time – David Guetta
66. Thinking about → Why I’m not outta here already.
67. Waiting for? 6 months to be over so I can get the new Dell XPS convertible (sexy) Ultrabook.
♥YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → No idea
69. Want to get married? → No idea
70. Careers in mind → No idea
♥ WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes → No idea
72. Hugs or kisses → No idea
73. Shorter or taller → Shorter
74.Older or Younger → Younger
75.Romantic or spontaneous → No idea
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → Muscular girls scare me, girls with pot-bellies irritate me. It’s a no win situation with this question, who put this in here? We need to talk to HR about this (stolen).
77. Sensitive or loud → No idea
78. Hook-up or relationship → No idea
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ No idea
HAVE YOU EVER :
81. Drank hard liquor → No.
82. Lost glasses/contacts → No
83. Had sex on 1st date – No.
84. Broken someone’s heart → Maybe
85. Had your own heart broken → Every time
86. Been arrested → I’m a church going brother fam, we don’t get arrested for nothing.
87. Turned someone down → Maybe
88. Cried when someone died → No
89. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → No, what is this?
♥ DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself → Yes sometimes, other times I feel so inadequate I shed tears.
91. Miracles → Yes.
92. Love at first sight → Maybe
93. Heaven → Yes.
94. Santa Claus → Yes, too bad he hasn’t given me shii tho (Oga Nicholas we see *****)
95. Kiss on the first date? → No
96.Angels → Yes.
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? No
98. Had more than one girlfriend? No
99. Wish you could change things in your past? Yes
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → LOL yes (blame it on the alcoh…shii I don’t drink, producer cut cut cut cut….)
You can all go back to your boring lives now thank you.
Symbol – Sc
Atomic weight – 44.9559
Ionization energy – 6.5615eV
Chemist – @misty0_0
When the slap came, Lola was not surprised. But, she wasn’t an animal, or a barbarian. She wouldn’t stoop to his level. Her feet carried her into her parent’s room, as fast as fast could.
“He,” she shouted, pointing at the remnant of humanity that had slapped her “hit me.”
Mother and father leapt into action. Shouts ensued and a baseline threat of moving to the boys’ quarters or complete homelessness. With Father behind him, belt held menacingly in a firm grip, an apology was wrenched from Wole’s flabby unrepentant lips.
Lola was not sated. She wanted him humble… groveling at her feet. Only that would calm the outrage that burned under the armor of her A-cup boobs, and clean the tear stains of female outrage on her cheeks.
In the darkness of the night, when the blackness of the sky had reached its peak; The point where Ghanaians don’t step out, when witches the world over commune over red-wine and skype, she cursed him. Holding her bible to her iron-board chest, she made her petition to God. “… if you don’t do it, God, I will look for a babalawo. I swear!!”
“You said?” Jesus asked, a look of shock and confusion on his handsome features.
“Exactly that, my Lord. That was what she said.”
The angels giggled behind their wings, Moses’ beard twitched suspiciously, and even the guardian angel struggled to keep a straight face as he delivered his ward’s prayer.
The voice of God thundered through the Halls of Heaven, “IT IS DONE!”
King David’s crown dropped to the floor in shock, “my Lord?”
“I said,” the voice of many waters continued “it is done.”
For the first time that day, there was complete silence in Heaven. Then the scurrying of feet to chariots and the flurry of feathers as elders and angels alike raced down to get a good viewing position in the home of Lola Williams on the drama that was about to ensue.
The alarm screamed noisily. Eyes blinded with sleep, Wole struggled to pick up the phone and put off the alarm. But, for the life of him, he couldn’t get a firm grip on the stupid thing. After a valiant battle, in which the phone assaulted his face twice, he left it to ring. The tune wasn’t that bad and it’d go off in a minute or two.
He felt weird and woozy. He couldn’t even stand straight. The urge to vomit hooked him. He rolled off the bed, landing with painfully on a bottle on the floor. An empty bottle of Hennessy a quick sniff revealed. He remembered swiping the drink from the wine cabinet and opening it in his room, not much else. I must be drunk, he thought triumphantly. Crawling into the lit bathroom, he vomited the entirety of his stomach. As he came out, his eyes fell on the full-length mirror. What he saw threw him backward. Screaming, he ran out of the room. Even the scream sounded wrong… it sounded like –
“Hello Wole,” His train of thought and path was interrupted by his sister, Lola,. In her hand, she held a big stick. Her eyes alight with a mixture of triumph, anger and the promise of vengeance, she raised the stick and it came down on his back with speed.
Mr. and Mrs. Williams woke up to find their daughter standing over a goat, a very well beaten goat. “I’m finished!” she shouted.
Confused, they looked around to see who she was talking to, then the eyes fell back on the goat. Widening in shock, as it slowly morphed back into a human form. Mrs. William nudged her husband forward to check. An unhappy, scared Mr. Williams stepped closer to the person passed out on the sitting room floor, trying to make out a face from the black-eyed, swollen-faced would-be criminal on the floor.
“It is Wole oh! Lola? What have you done?”
With a hiss, Lola delivered one last blow on the twitching form and went back to bed.
Atomic Weight: 39.0983
Ionization Energy: 4.3407eV
Configuration: [Ar] 4s1
Solution: Be Proactive
Origin: Neo-Latin: Kalium
The Periodic Table.
You see, Bobola is my guy and I’ve let him down a lot. This one time, he was doing a series on the Seven Deadly Sins and he asked me to write on ‘Sloth’. Living up to my name, I was too ‘Slotty’ to churn anything out. Trust me, I tried.
*sigh* Chemistry! When last?!
*Flings ward coat and stethoscope*
Potassium. Potassium is a mineral that helps in normal functioning of the body. It helps in the communication of muscles and nerves. A potassium diet can help to offset some negative effects of sodium on the heart.
Banana is rich in potassium. This is probably why D’Prince made it the major component of his ‘Goody Bag’. Who knows? He may be that learned.
Too much potassium is however harmful. So, don’t take banana till you ‘yo’.
I learnt the importance of potassium in my recent study of Clinical Pathology and I thought I should share.
That was just my medical side taking over.
That was also how Chibuzo deleted me off BBM because I sent a ‘K’ his way. If only he knew the nutritional benefits of ‘K’.
You see, I was working so hard on writing a story or a poem about the ‘The Life of K’ but it didn’t come out good. I tried different angles. Trust me. It just didn’t work out. I really hate all of you that are very good at story-telling and poetry. I can’t write a story to save my life and this is like the bane of my entire existence, so I have beef.
Since I can’t tread the storyteller path, I decided to tread my ‘motivational writing’ path and today, we’re gonna be learning a few lessons from the properties of potassium.
PROPERTIES OF POTASSIUM.
1. Silvery White. That’s what you guys call ‘shiny’.
2. Highly Reactive with water. Keyword ‘Reactive’
3. Easily Cut with a knife. *I.e Soft
4. Least Dense metal after Lithium.
5. Tarnishes when exposed to air.
LESSONS FROM POTASSIUM.
1. Everywhere you go, you have to shine bright (Not like a diamond in the sky because such things don’t exist) like a diamond.
2. Be Proactive. Being proactive means controlling a situation by causing something to happen. This is unlike Potassium which simply reacts to the change. Simply put; make (be) the change, don’t wait for the change.
3. Don’t be easy to cut through. This life is short and hard and you also have to be hard. Don’t be easily penetrated (no innuendo). Unlike potassium, you have to develop a thick skin and be tough.
4. You know what it means when they call someone ‘a dense’ right? Yeah. In all your dealings, don’t be ‘a dense’.
5. Unlike Potassium, please, don’t tarnish.
6. A desiccant is used to dry solvents because it absorbs water. Don’t just be a ‘collector (absorbent); learn to give some out. You’re not always.
I hope you guys have been able to relate.
References: Ababio, Wikipedia .
PS. You can find some of my randomness here – kemmiiii.com
This is not an advert placement by the way.