Symbol – Na
Atomic weight – 22.9897
Ionization energy – 5.1391eV
Chemist – @oVunderkind
“FoolProof Test for Breast Slackness: If you can breastfeed a baby you’re carrying on your back, well, it may be safe to say, YES, your breasts may have sagged a little” – The Vunderkind
Oops. Why did I begin this write-up with that kind of opening statement? I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that when compadre Bobola (his twitter handle’s BluePaet today; God knows what it’ll be tomorrow) asked me to write for his blog, in my head I was like:
But what I actually replied was:
Talk about poker face. No, no. Poker fingers.
So, our chat (actually DM) goes something like:
@TheBluePaet: Write for me, you puny mortal!
@oVunderkind: I be your minion sire! I shall do for thee that which you please (Shakespearean lingua comes to me naturally when I’m scared shitless)
@TheBluePaet: You can write on anything, minion –
@oVunderkind: oy, yey! **clickety clickin’ away frantically on my PC**
@TheBluePaet: anything, that is, except erotica.
@oVunderkind: **delete delete delete**
Sigh. That niggah can just kill my flow.
Back to the matter at hand, I am not permitted to write erotica (somebody talk to HR about this), so I’ll keep the details sketchy.
Gentlemen, I am here to discuss breasts!
**waits smugly for the smattering of applause to die down**
We are Prime Oglers. Girls are objects of our optical excitement, and most dudes (excluding yours truly) won’t pass up a chance to give a girl the once-over. One of the primary objects of our admiration (or should I say two of ’em?) are the breasts.
I refrain from calling them “boobies”, “hooters” and “jugs” because I am a respecter of women and would not address their pride and joy in that manner (I may also be pussy-whipped in an unrelated note, but that’s subject to speculation)
Now, we know the alphabets. Let’s call them ‘breastabets’, okay? **waits for the high-fives and palm wine drinking to subside**
A – Almost Breasts
B – Barely there
C – Cowabunga!
D- Damn, mamasita!
E- Enorrrrrmous! (O_O)
F – Fake!!!!!!
G – Gulliver has traveled to Lilliput!
H – Help me! My breasts were so large, I fell and I can’t stand up.
– Original breastabets modified for my own purpose.
Whatever the alphabet the object of our lust falls in, I believe there are certain “litmus tests” the ideal breast must pass.
I am here to discuss such tests.
Test Number One: The “Ghost Mode Test/Mo Cheddah”
If you have to “guess” the presence of the cleavage, damn, mehn, those cleaves are dead to the brotherhood. Breasts that go “ghost mode – them no dey see me” should be honored: they shouldn’t be seen. Therefore A cups are hereby removed from the breast constitution.
Test Number Two: Kneesles
You know measles? Bet you never heard of kneesles.
Here is the rule of thumb: all breasts shall not exceed the limits of the upper body, and any breasts which are ‘familiar’ with your knees are atrocious.
Lemme break am down for pidgin: breast wey long reach knee no be breast.
**adjusts bow tie**
Test Three: One Lump, Two Lump…
One aboki said the difference between Sango and Thor is packaging. The difference between Iya Basira’s breasts and Kim K’s is, well, packaging? (Someone is nudging me and whispering fiercely “surgeryyyyyy”)
But let’s face it. Ladies who keep wearing bras made out of two cap materials for Banky W-type heads are not helping matters at all. It makes it look lumpy, slack….and lumpy. Yes. I had to say it twice.
I am just warming up. Boredom is a terrible thing. It’s not as if I met my breast-staring quota for the day.
It’s Boxing Day; smile for the camera Pacquaio. Hope y’all had a blast yesterday and if you didn’t, I have nothing to say to you. I was at the library a few days ago, after about one and the half hours of making a fool of my insanity, I decided by myself to conduct an interview on myself. The other people in the library must have thought I’d gone nuts cos this was actually a standard interview in the real sense of the word. I must warn you, it got really personal at some point, I didn’t take it easy on myself. Well here we go.
Why does someone come to the library early on a Monday morning to read a newspaper?
Ans: Cos he’s bald and retarded.
Are you human?
Ans: Are you mad?
Why are your younger siblings taller than you?
Ans: I thought this was strictly business.
Oh really? Why don’t we get to your addictions and….
Ans: Ok I’ll answer the questions.
Ans: What was the question again?
Why are your younger siblings taller than you?
Ans: I am beautifully and wonderfully made.
Ans: Common you did three compulsory years of biology in secondary school, why don’t you tell me why my siblings are tall and I am not so tall?
Do you remember the name of your primary school maths teacher?
Ans: No, why?
I’m the one asking the questions, not you.
Why blonde girls are generally considered stupid?
Ans: I dunno, bleached hair makes you dumb?
Why so serious?
Ans: Check my avatar fool.
Why is the earth spherical and not any other shape?
Ans: Finally a question I can relate to, if the earth were any shape apart from spherical, some of you humans would get to the edge and fall off.
They say the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of 4cm per year, care to tell me why?
Ans: Do I look like I work at NASA?
Take a wild guess you moron.
Ans: I’m too awesome, the moon too dey fear real G, yeah that’s what’s up….hoot hoot.
What are you doing at the moment?
Ans: Answering your questions you nitwit.
I mean before we started this interview.
Ans: Fool you know we’re one and the same right?
Why can’t you just answer the damn questions?
Ans: I was reading EEG 407.
Ans: trust me nig, you don’t wanna know.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Have you ever had a threesome?
Ans: When I die, I’m going to heaven.
Have you had sex before?
Are you a virgin?
Ans: That’s it, I give up on you.
Ok sorry, are you gay?
Ans: Do I look gay to you?
Do gay people look a particular way?
Ans: Yes they look like you.
You know you just called yourself gay right?
Ans: Don’t be a smartass.
Have you ever had a personal encounter with a gay person?
Ans: Depends on your definition of ‘personal encounter’.
Have you ever met a gay person before?
Ans: Yes, although not directly.
So you’ve met a gay person indirectly?
Ans: I see them everywhere, even ashewos don dey fear say gays don take all the boys for street (RIP DAGRIN). It was one day like that in school, one dude came to visit one of my roommates. After the visitation was over, the said roommate called me aside and warned me never to open the door for his friend if I was the only one in the room and he ever came visiting again. By the way I just saw @Miss_Anjola walk past me, serious somebody. There was this other dude sha, fresh boy, you could smell his cologne miles away anytime he was approaching your location. Everyone knew he was gay, obviously. There was also this my roommate last year that apparently got kidnapped in school by a gay rich man in a big jeep. He claimed God saved his ass from being inspected that day but I personally think he didn’t tell us the whole story. He may or may not have been initiated into the gay community. Does he count?
I’m the one asking the questions here and not you.
Are you gay?
Ans: Are you gay Mr Interviewer?
What message do you have for the gay community?
Ans: I have nothing.
How do you feel about the government?
Ans: I don’t care, they are after all a reflection of us as a people.
Anything on corruption?
Ans: What do you people teach your toddlers?
Ans: They have something the FG doesn’t have – BALLS.
Ans: They should stop washing their dirty pant on CNN.
Chinua Achebe’s new book?
Ans: That man is awesome and so is his book.
The Nigerian Civil war?
Ans: I was not there, all I know I’ve read from books and Wikipedia.
Look up, what can you see now?
Ans: Students pretending to read when they are in fact checking each other out.
What are you wearing?
Ans: nigga really?
Just answer the damn question.
Ans: A blue shirt, cream colored chinos pants and flip flops.
What are flip flops?
Ans: Dunlop slippers made in a material more durable than ordinary grade rubber I presume.
Do you like them?
Ans: Yes, why else would I be wearing them?
You hate shoes right?
Ans: I hate convention.
What does that have to do with anything?
Ans: You obviously have issues with the English language.
Soundtrack to your life?
Ans: For now Bad Religion | Frank Ocean
Song that speaks to you.
Ans: For now also it’ll have to be UP WITH THE BIRDS | COLDPLAY. That song makes a grown ass nigga like me cry.
Something ironic you do.
Ans: I read the dictionary from pali to pali today only to find out they add new words tomorrow. Those damned English blokes AArrgghh!!!!
Something important you learnt this year.
Ans: I learnt that clean water can come from a dirty cup thanks To Ibukun. It has been a question that has plagued me for about two years now.
Ans: Only humans have role models…do I have to spell that out for you?
How did you discover the wonder of beans and weed?
Ans: Long story, you really don’t wanna go there.
And what if I do?
Ans: You’d need to get high.
What’s your take on education?
Ans: I’m too awesome, why won’t y’all just let me be?
Are you sure you’re actually at the library at this very instant?
Ans: you want me to send you a picture?
I think I’m done with you.
Ans: Is that a question?
Wait sef, if you’r e not human, what/who exactly are you?
Ans: I don’t know for certain what I am, but I know for certain who I’m not (tell me you see what I did there).
Do you hate earthlings?
Ans: Hate is a subjective word bro, mild too.
What’s your take on sex?
Ans: no comment.
The ban on postinor?
Ans: Hoes had it coming.
Ans: I just want to die in peace.
Why isn’t your face ever on your avatar?
Ans: Why do superheroes have secret identities?
DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN
I tried to be as honest as possible. Most people will never find answers cos they never even bother to ask questions. How often do you ask why? How often do you ask yourself why you never ask why? Great things were discovered by ordinary people like you and I asking honest questions about humanity and everything else.
That was me trying to go all philosophical on you guys, now that I’m done with that let me say categorically that I really did this in the library and this was basically me goofing around. Make someone smile today, I hope I just did. Season’s greetings from the Redor family.
Before I forget, I received an award today from an awesome blogger, #ClickHere to read.
Hello sir’s and ma’s. Today we have the Ogbolo inspired @Janus_Aneni here, doing us great service. This is a never before seen excavation of events pertaining the life of the Little mermaid kids know as Ariel. Do read and share your thoughts.
When I was a little kid, one of the first gifts I ever got, (actually stole from my grandfather’s library), was an original edition of the Hans Christian Anderson’s Fairy tales. Seeing the Disney adaptations later, shocked me a bit as they were too different and had such wishy-washy happy endings. So today, with permission from my boss, @Achi_va, and for the benefit of the ignorant, I would paint a picture of the ORIGINAL Little Mermaid story.
Ehen, for the purpose of disambiguation (which is a fancy word for clarity :- less fancy word for understanding) the term ‘mammywater’ would be replaced by ‘mermaid’, ‘mer’, ‘marine’ and other nicer-sounding words. This is uhm..for the uhm..purpose of uhm..appeasement. Ehen..
Story story, once upon a time in a land far away, but still close enough, a land we now call Ogoni land *dodges stone*..there lived a certain mammywata (from hence referred to as mermaid), who was called Ariel.
She was so named after a potion which the mammywata people (from here referred to as mer-people I promise!) used to clean their fins and other sea-shell stuff. A few hundred years later, this potion was modified into our popular detergent, but that’s another story.
Anyway, Ariel was a happy mammywata spirit. She did all the usual mammywata things; swam up and down, played with fishes and generally did demons (Ignores ‘waka’ from Rita). She was a very young marine spirit, being only 15 years, but she had big dreams. She dreamt of one day being the chief Mammywata (mermaid from now on.forgive me) in all the land! (Or technically, in all the water.) She also dreamt of being rich and powerful, possessing lots of sea-shells (not beach gbagauns.) and ultimately dreamt of being human.
Ariel had a sneaky habit. At night when the marine spirits were usually celebrating, and well doing demons, Ariel would sneak away and go up to the surface to watch for humans. This was a long time ago and travel was mainly by sea, so ships passed through the marine world a lot, and on a good day (or night), Ariel could see 20 sailors!
She would look at them longingly and fantasize about how nice it would be to have legs and an ass and toenails! Oh, how she wanted toenails. She knew her wish would be granted soon. You see, in the marine kingdom, there was a law. It stated that at 16years, a mermaid (finally!) could decide to go up to the human world for a day. She could use the opportunity to do whatever she liked. Entice men, have fun, drink beer. The days when this happened later came to be known as Fridays, and these events were known as Clubs, but that’s a story for another day.
*drinks pure water*
Ehen, so just before Ariel’s 16th birthday, an event occured that would change the history of the mammywata kingdom forever.
Ariel was up at the surface as usual, and watching a ship. Suddenly, without warning a storm began. The ship was in the centre of the storm and try as they might, the sailors could do nothing to escape. The storm tore at them mercilessly and from the ship, a man fell.
“Oh boy! See mata,” said Ariel in fish-pidgin. “Persin don fall for wata, make I go see am”
Ariel swam as fast as she could to the man, and when she saw him she nearly drowned! Such was her surprise, for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen.
“He must be an Ishan man,” she murmured in awe.
Ntoi! Ishan pipu are..*dodges tyre*..it’s just..*dodges sardine can*..oya lemme continue.
So, she swam with all her might, bearing the man. Ariel swam as fast as she could towards land. Close to the shore she saw a bamboo building. Swimming towards it, she carried the Prince, for he was a prince, an Ish..*sees bottle..*..a Prince sha. Okay, she carried the prince to the shore and dropped him there. At that moment she heard a shout.
“Mmmmm..Jah! Jah! There is a mammywata outside the door..Jah! Holy..”
It was a Cele church.
Swimming away as fast as she could, Ariel abandoned the prince with the Cele pipu. She had heard stories. They usually flogged the mammywata out of mammywatas, and she didn’t want to lose her mammywata just yet. But Ariel never forgot her prince.
So on Friday, Ariel was up early. She was giddy with excitement. She would meet her man today. Her Grandma smiled at her. Grandmama mammywata the 1st, was 1500 years old and she knew the nooks and crannies of the marine world.
“Are you ready for this?” she asked Ariel.
“There is a price associated with beauty my dear,” she said again.
By now, Ariel was nodding faster than an agama lizard on steroids.
Grandma showed her a beautiful bowl with a steaming, brown, sticky liquid.
“Ariel, this potion is called Ogbolo. A drop of this would make you more beautiful than anything human-kind has ever seen. It would also give you the neatest pair of skanky legs and six-inch Jimmy Choo heels.”
Ariel was overjoyed. Grabbing a vial of the Ogbolo, she flapped away for the surface. Grandma shook her head in amusement. She could understand, she had been there before. Sex with a human was said to be the best after all, especially considering that the mermaids only slapped their fins together and called it foreplay.
On the surface, Ariel sat on a rock and opened the vial. Inside lay the precious drop of Ogbolo. She placed it on her tongue, and instantly the world changed.
Scales dropped from her eyes as the coconut shells covering her former tiny breasts, burst open to give a D-cup the folks at 90210 would marvel at. Her fins shriveled and disappeared and long legs sprouted out to taper at properly manicured toe-nails.
“Toenails! Oh my God!” cried Ariel.
Her hair, formerly tangled in seaweed, grew out luxuriant and curly in brown waves of Brazilian majesty. Yes, children, Brazilian. Original. 12 inches.
Suddenly, her centre caved in and began to tremble as between her legs a tunnel formed, moist and furry, and she instantly felt need.
In that instant, her legs shook and with a puff of cloud, a pair of six-inch Jimmy Choo heels appeared.
“Wow..Ogbolo is the shit!” Ariel marvelled.
And yes children, Ogbolo is, the faeces.
*sips more pure water*
So, Ariel swam for shore, holding her Jimmy Choos above her head. At shore she stole clothing lying on a clothesline and walked to the Cele church where she had last seen her prince. The priestess at the church, while eyeing Ariel very suspiciously, told her that the Ishan man was actually a prince and had gone back to his palace.
Ariel tried hard to see her prince that day, very hard, and just before her time was up, she did. He smiled at her, and at her boobs. But her time was far spent, already the Jimmy Choos had vanished and she began to fear that if she stayed any longer, her fins might re-appear.
The prince held her hand, his eyes fixed firmly on her boobs. “Stay, the party is just starting. What did I do? Don’t you want to Club with me?”
Ariel stared back at him sadly, and in later immortalized words said, “I’m sorry, it’s not you. It’s me.”
She swam slowly that night.
For a long while Ariel was sad. At nights she still swam to the surface, but this time she surfaced near the palace and watched the prince. She watched him singing, she watched him wrestling, she watched him bathing, she watched him while he played with his snake. She missed the prince.
There was no other option.
Ariel went to a witch.
Yes children, I know the story is beginning to sound like a Yoruba film..
The old witch, Ursula was a bad witch. She was also a mammywata, but she did demons more than the usual. Way more. Because of her evil, she was banished to a dark part of the marine kingdom. To this place, Ariel swam.
“I know what you want,” cackled the witch. “I will give you a human form, but I shall require something in return.”
“Take anything,” Ariel cried. She was ecstatic.
The witch took her voice. Ariel’s voice which was so far the most wonderful thing in the universe was gone. The witch then gave her a few warnings.
“You must get his heart, O Ariel. You must win his love. If he doesn’t place true love’s kiss upon your lips and instead gives his heart to another, you will pass away and be as foam upon the sea.”
So Ariel returned to the human world. Dumb and beautiful.
What? The story is getting gloomy? Keep listening, reading or whatever.
*opens new satchet of JayZ pure water*
The prince had come of age, and it was time for him to marry. His father wanted him to marry a certain princess, but his heart belonged to another. According to the prince, he would only marry the girl who rescued him.
Ariel, poor girl, for now she was a girl, a dumb girl, could not speak to tell him she was the one. The princess whom his father wanted him to marry on the other hand, was revealed to have been one of the people in the cele church the day he was rescued.
It was a painful day when the Prince married the princess. The mammywatas cried, rain fell heavily baffling all the rain-makers who had been hired for the wedding. As the Prince kissed his bride a cry went up that reached the heavens. Levitating above the crowd, Ariel wept as she disintegrated to bubbles that sparkled in the evening twilight and danced upon the frothy waves.
The prince sighed as his eyes opened in wonder and all, including the princess had tears in their eyes. Then, a light shone from heaven.
For her sacrifices and her love, the children of the light decided to have mercy on Ariel.
“Join us,” they sang. “We sing for children. For every good child, one year is taken off our term, for every bad child, we have another 300 years added to our term. At the end of 300 years we would gain a soul and go onto Heaven.”
So Ariel ascended with the children of the light, and sang with them.
So children, be good. For every bad deed, every callous word, we worsen Ariel’s sentence.
*sips Heineken..* yeah.that’s the stuff.
DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN
That was the first post in the FerryTale series, so what do you think?
Mr Aneni scribbles his thoughts at aljanusi.wordpress.com. Do check out his work, I especially like his Jack and Jill post and his Tangled Story. Join us tomorrow for the second installment of the FerryTale franchise. Have a wonderful day.
CHELSEA FOR LIFE.